Don't Just Stay Married | Stay Intentional (Part 1)

Hey friend, welcome to the table. It's a little loud, a little messy, and someone probably forgot the timer again.

I'm Jade. [music]

And I'm Courtney.

And this is The Beauty in Burnt Toast, where conversations get real,

grace meets us in the middle,

and there's always room for one more.

I think that was good.

Welcome back to another episode of The Beauty in Burnt Toast. Courtney is unfortunately not with us today, but we're ready to go. She'll be back next time. So, today we're with a very special couple. Um I'm going to read a little bit about them real quick. Kimberly and Monty have been married 1,611 days.

[laughter]

That's 4 and 1/2 years, ish. They are both widows. She was married 25 years and lost her husband with a series of eight strokes over five years. And Monty was married just a couple of weeks shy of 29 years and lost his wife from COVID 12 days after she was diagnosed in the hospital. Both couples were going to the same Wait, Church of the Highlands, different campuses.

Yes.

right? Okay.

Kimberly got an undergraduate degree from Auburn and a master's from Alabama. So, Monty says she is highly confused.

[laughter]

War Eagle.

But she's an Auburn fan. Me, too.

a War Eagle, right?

Are you Auburn?

No.

You're Alabama?

He's Alabama, unfortunately.

Well, kind of.

That's his fault.

[laughter]

Kimberly was raised in the greater Mobile area, and Monty grew up in Memphis. And even though he went to seminary school at Central Bible College, he did not finish.

Mhm.

He currently does not have a college degree,

Nope.

and that's totally fine.

Yes, it is.

Kimberly has spent 20 years in education and is currently a high school transition specialist at Homewood High School in Birmingham. Monty has been a full-time vocational pastor for 3 years at the end of this month.

Yep.

He spent 30 years in procurement and supply chain plus 7 years in real estate winning individual rookie of the year with Realty South in 2005.

Mhm.

Kimberly has two children, a daughter age 29 and a son age 25, and Monty is surrounded by women with two daughters

[laughter]

33 and 28 and three granddaughters 7, 4, and 3. I did not realize that.

Yes. [laughter] Totally.

[snorts]

A Fresh Start After Loss

But I have just been so looking forward to this conversation because the two of you have walked through seasons of grief, caregiving, loss, healing, and God took two totally different stories and brought them together.

Yes.

Um today we want to talk about what it really takes to build a healthy Christ-centered marriage. And I just think y'all have a lot of knowledge in that realm through everything that y'all have been through.

Absolutely.

I think so. I mean, you know, the one thing that we were able to um uh fortunately in a way um do is that it's almost like we got a chance through what happened in our lives to do a reboot, if that makes sense.

Yeah.

And that way we can actually walk into a marriage knowing all that we knew from the previous um to be able to implement it fresh.

Mhm.

Um and most people don't get that. And then don't get that opportunity. Um but I think that Kimberly and I were already doing that in our previous marriages. And so that way um it was able to make it um we were making it well and our marriages were well, but you know, it's almost like we got the opportunity to see, "Okay, if we thought start this from the very beginning, what would this look like?"

Yeah. Well, and it's like we we had mistakes in our previous marriages and we didn't want to make those same mistakes again. And so I think we came into it with a fresher look at marriage.

Yeah. So y'all met in a little bit kind of unconventional way.

[laughter]

Do you want to talk about that a little bit?

How They Met: Facebook Dating

Uh, the old-fashioned way of meeting.

Online dating.

Yeah. Facebook. Facebook dating is how we met. We really did. And it it's kind of a cool story.

And a lot of people don't even know Facebook dating exists, but when you change your status from married to widowed, it pops up.

It did for me. I was actually um, one morning just looking praying about I knew I was ready to move forward. But I also didn't want to do it without God's timing. And so every morning I'd be praying to him about, you know, "Hey, what do you think, Lord? And I need the right person. I need the right um, lady to help this." And I already knew I'd be moving into ministry at that point. And so I got through with my morning time with God. It was very early in the morning, like 6:00. And I sat my Bible down, but I picked my phone up and like normal, I was then going to scroll after I had done my scripture, then I was going to scroll. And I went to Facebook and pulled it up and Facebook dating pulled up and I did had no idea it existed. And I was like, "What is this?" And then I thought, "Okay, Lord." And then it was like almost like God just in a loud voice told me punch play. And I was like, "Okay, I'll do that." And so I filled out the little profile. It takes minutes. Filled out a little profile, put the picture in. She pops up. Second person actually. The somebody else popped up first. I don't remember who it was, but all I know is this X and you had the choice of like an X and a heart. Well, she was second and all it says is your name and the age.

So like no other information?

No other information except in the profile when she pulls up it's got her picture and it said Kimberly, 50 cuz that's how old you were at the time. Kimberly, 50. But then there's these tiny little dots and it says you had like 14 mutual friends. So on Facebook, but then it had her profile. I didn't pay attention to the little dots. I just thought, oh we have mutual friends. I read her profile and I was like, oh yeah. All right, I like this lady and I hit the heart. She disappears and the next one pulls up and I'm freaking out because I'm like, where did she go? I want to know who she is. I want to be able to stalk her profile. I want to find out information. And then I So needless to say for the other ladies that appeared after that it was all X's because, you know, I was already comparing them all to Kimberly, looking for her. So then you want to tell your part of it because that was early in the morning. She was not awake yet.

Yeah, I'm a school teacher so often the summer and this was in June.

in June.

And um I woke up and I had a like from Facebook dating and it tells you it it gives you a notification. And I saw it and I did my due diligence and it said that we had however many friends that we had and I noticed a profile picture of a person that I know and he's an Auburn fan so it was all orange and I'm like, well let me go to Eric's profile and find Monty. That's an unusual name and so I went to Eric's profile, pulled up his friend list and said Monty and he came up. And so I just perused his Facebook.

Stalked Stalked is the

Stalked is the correct word.

And I mean I went all through it and at first I didn't go back far enough to realize that his wife had died. And I had been online dating for a while because my husband has had been passed for a while. And I had realized through online dating, there's a lot of married people out there looking for um dates. And so um I was a little concerned that okay, maybe he was still married. I'm not sure. And then I got to the post that it said his wife had passed. And so I hit like back. So that's kind of how we And then when I hit like back

it notified me. I was at work by the end. It was like quarter of 10, I think. It was like 9:40 something like that in the morning. I'm at my desk working hard. My phone's off and and it makes this weird romantic sound. I don't know what I can't remember what it was. I'm thinking, "What is that?" And I look and my phone said, "Facebook dating, you have a match." And I was I immediately knew it was Kimber. And I was like, "Yes." I grabbed my phone because she was the only one I had liked.

[laughter]

So I was like, "Oh yes, it's a Yeah, we it was instant.

But who reached out first?

Well, I I did um when I

But then like a few minutes later I said, "Do you want to call me?"

Yeah, she gave me she Yeah, cuz

Just because I had gone through so much online dating and it was it was it when you're in your 20s, it's a different pool. When you're in your 50s, it's a cesspool.

[laughter]

And so I was like I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to

But you want to make sure they're a real person, too.

Exactly. And you can get a feel for somebody over a phone. And you know, these days kids rely on text messaging. I say kids, you mean kids our age.

Yeah, even kids our age.

Um they text and and they take the conversation out of things. And so I immediately knew, "Okay, I want to I want to make sure that he is who he says he was." And so I offered my phone number.

She did. Funny thing is I don't know if I've ever told you this. Um I I when I wanted to call her, when she sent me her number, of course I'm like, oh, yes, I've got her number now. And then I walked out into our warehouse. I was at with the company I was at before I became a minister, but and I walked out into our warehouse because it's one of the few places if you go down one of the aisles that we store stuff in, you can you normally do not get interrupted there. And I did not want to get interrupted in this phone call with her, so I purposely walked out to the warehouse, the aisle that we used to make they calls like that. Knowing cuz in my job, I was constantly having people stop in my office all the time. It was every few minutes almost. So, it was like I did not want to get interrupted. So, yeah, I purposely went out in the warehouse and gave her a call.

[laughter]

Where was the first meeting? First date?

It was that night.

Okay. That night.

Uh, the night that we met because I was leaving to go out of town. And so, therefore, once again, I didn't want to waste our time if it wasn't going to, you know,

And I didn't want to get interrupted.

And I didn't know she was trying not to waste time.

[laughter]

How did I know that? You know, I'm thinking, oh, she's okay, let's do this. We're going tonight.

And he wanted to take me down a special date and I was just like, look, let's just let's go to Newk's. I want a salad. And so, we met at Newk's in Hoover actually.

At 6:30.

June 10th, 2021, by the way.

And so, we sat there and I still was kind of getting a feel for him. I wasn't sure about him at first and um, but we did have great conversation. Like I said, money is extra. And and but that goes into every relationship he has. He's extra and it's not just with me. He's extra with everybody. And so, we sat there for 5 hours.

She uses that word a lot. She uses that word a lot. Well, might as well do too, by the way.

that just says extra to wear. Um,

And she makes fun of me because the creamer I put in my coffee is the Dunkin' Donuts extra extra creamer.

creamer.

Extra sugar, extra cream. But anyway, no, but it was 6 hours. We didn't leave till 20:30, but but they we started at 6:30. They closed at 9:00 and we were out on the patio and the guy steps out. We've been out there all this time. He steps out and he's like, "We're fixing to lock these doors. I don't know if you you're welcome to stay on the patio, you know,

Come get you some drinks and food.

on your drink before we shut it down." And so I was like, "Yeah." So I did. Well, it was about midnight, I think, the first time we noticed the police drive by.

I think it was a little before midnight.

Maybe a little before midnight. But about that third time they drove by, we kind of figured, "Maybe we need to leave."

[laughter]

They think y'all are staking out Nooks over there.

Staking out Nooks.

Sitting on the patio.

But needless to say, I don't think I went to sleep till about 3:30 that morning cuz I was highly pumped and excited. I was just like in my car going back to the house saying, "God, look at you go. You just knocked it out the park. You blew it I I everything I had imagined was happening. I was done." I wake up the next morning, I have like 40 likes on Facebook from women liking me and I'm like, "This is stupid." Deleted the app immediately or deleted the profile and everything immediately cuz I'd found her, so I was done.

What Stood Out First

And it took me a a while longer. What's the one thing that really stood out to y'all first about each other? Communication for

Yeah, I would say her genuineness for one and her willing to be open cuz she was just really blunt and open about all a lot of things. And it so that was the communication. Like I said, we sat there for 6 hours and just had conversation and I was not done yet. And obviously, so but still that was the first thing for me. Her genuineness, her openness, and her willingness to just lay things out there in reality without putting on any kind of front or show.

So you're very much a no-nonsense type person.

Well, I'm a realist yeah. And I think that came I appreciate that. I'm getting straight to the point like I want truth, honesty, bluntness, I want all of it. Right. And you know, sometimes the truth can hurt and and I wasn't sure about him because I had gone through so many frogs. I'd kissed so many frogs before I got to him. And I still thought that he was going to be this man who changed. That he was putting on a front. So I was a little bit probably more reserved. I was only person he dated. I had dated extensively before I met him. And when you go through all those bad first dates, bad second dates sometimes, bad third dates sometimes, and then you just get to a point where you just you have to be a realist in things because you know, I think the one thing that I was excited about him more than any other person I had dated was that he was a widow. So he understood. He understood the grief that we've that we both walked through. He understood. I I had a five-year illness with my late husband. He had a very quick death in his wife. We walked different different journeys of grief, but we still understood what the other was going through. And the fact that um his he the way our children are, he has his oldest daughter is the oldest of our four, and then my daughter, and then he has another daughter, and then my son. So they're all right there within four years of each other in age. And I think us both having to navigate this new especially for him, um navigate this new world of dating.

[snorts]

When my hus- my late husband died, my children were like, "Mom, we want you to get out and start dating quick because we've seen you walk through unhappiness. Um caregiving is not for the faint of heart for anyone.

[snorts]

And to watch my late husband just suffer like he did, my children were all on board on me going out and dating. His children were not as much.

But also I thought it was interesting because Kimberly asked me very early on right when we were starting just to get to know each other in that first week or two of of getting to know each other she was like she knew I told her you're the only person I've ever you know and I she was like are you sure you don't want to date other people? Are you sure that you just don't want to go I mean it's almost like she was pushing me to go out with other women and I'm sitting there thinking what's your problem? I mean this makes no sense.

She wanted to make sure you were all in.

I guess but I had made the choice.

When you're in your 18, 19, when you're 20s dating for the first time, that's not what you want. You want somebody who's totally like all into you real quickly. But I think when you're older going through the dating scene, yes, I I you know because neither one of us had gone through divorce. We went through death.

Yeah.

Which is totally different. Um and I wanted to make sure that you know he was he was prepared. And and I mean he was prepared very quickly.

[laughter]

And I made the choice so I was done. I was like oh why do I need to I don't I mean you know I made the choice. We're done.

And and I had to also make sure because I wanted to be very mindful of his children. They had just lost their mother. And while my children had lost their dad, it's so different losing a dad and I I hate to say that but it is. It's different when you lose your mother.

Two Very Different Goodbyes

Well so were y'all expecting it when he passed away? Was the passing

Yeah.

you were expecting

Yeah. I mean he had been sick for five years and then he was bedridden from Easter Sunday of 2020 until he passed in September.

Was it all stroke related or were there

Every bit of it was stroke related. He had eight strokes over five years. Yeah. And um and so you know, it was it was expected when he he passed, but when Money's wife passed, I mean, it was COVID. You know, you I mean, even though they were

we kept expecting her to get better because the doctors kept saying that. We got you on this new medication. We're doing fine. You don't have any of the precursors of what would COVID would go to death. And you know, she wasn't severely overweight. She wasn't of non-Caucasian. She was You know, so they they listed all these things. She had no asthma issues like that. She had no autoimmune disease situations happening. So, they were like, you don't have any of that. So, we we fulfill we feel fully confident that you will recover.

Mhm.

Um but it within about 72 hours, it went from that to where she was on an oxygen mask, but not extreme to being intubated, completely put under, to then passing away. I mean, it was real quick within just a few days of the It was almost like there was just a trajectory of of being there and then at the very end it just dropped quickly.

specifically what caused that decline? I mean,

The No, I mean, you know, the the doctors told me that you know, the her death certificate says complications related to COVID. That's the actual cause of death. But they don't know exactly what I mean, you know, she they think maybe she had a blood clot that had developed or maybe that there was just other issues that were happening within her body that they don't know. But she was struggling to keep oxygen levels in her body and and to breathe. I mean, she really was having a hard time breathing. Um and that's why they went to the intubation piece. Um and but it was like even after they intubated her, that was on um that Friday morning at about 9:00 that morning they had totally put her under. Um It was like a few minutes after midnight that night. So, it was really not even 24 hours. It was 12 hours or you know, 15 hours from intubation to her passing away right after midnight on that Saturday morning, but you know, it it it it was quick, but it was also uh I know where she's at and I know she would not have wanted to live a life that was health issues or

Like my husband did.

Yeah, I mean I know her well enough to have known after 29 years I knew her she would not want to have a life that was anything anything less than what she would have wanted it to be. So, I truly believe God that was a gracious act on God's part too because I also think that you know, she her brother's had health issues, her parents had already passed away both of them. So, it's you know, you go back to that verse in Psalms I think it's in I can't remember now where it's at 114 or 119 that says that God removes people because of what may be in the future. You know, he may let them pass away because he's saving them from something that may be down the road. And I think that really applied to Stacy. I really do believe that was the case. Um but um was it easy? No. I mean no, it wasn't and it was life-altering. But then again, um with it came a clarity of uh purpose for me. Um I was called in the ministry at the age of 16 and um and never fulfilled it and never walked it. Um so, this gave me an opportunity to to totally do something different. And and Kimberly was fully supportive cuz she said she saw in me immediately a um a heart for that. So, um

Finding God in the Loneliness

So, what about losing your wife really flipped that switch for you?

I think it was the fact of a total life change. I mean I mean it hit me my job allowed me to you know, take that week off or a week and a half off and when I came back to work the first day I came back to work Went to work, no problem, you know, everybody was wonderful, came home. When I came home that night, normally, Stacy would have either been on the couch watching TV or something or had one of our grand daughter, we had one grand daughter then, um had our grand daughter with her or she may have been making dinner or something like that. And I get home, house is quiet, she's not there. And I walk in and I'm like, this is odd. This is really odd. And I sit down and loneliness tried to attack me immediately. Um and and and I think that's where people need to understand, even in divorce, you you experience the same thing. Divorce is still a death. It's a death of a marriage.

Yeah.

So, it's still you go through grief stages, too, just like a death. But, when you hit that, it's either you embrace the loneliness of a fact of saying, "Oh my gosh, I'm lonely. I don't know what I'm going to do." Or you do something different. I did something different. And what I did was, "Okay, God, I know I'm not alone." I immediately went to prayer. Immediately went to him and just said, "I know I'm not alone. I know you're here with me. I need you here with me."

Yeah.

And and I tell people this, it was like on that couch that day, it was almost like God came and sat down next to me and just put his arm around me and said, "Yeah, you're right. I'm not leaving you." And it was like I felt this just warm embrace from him. Of course, I sat there and cried for a little bit, naturally. Um if you know me, you know I probably cry.

Cryer.

[laughter]

So, cried a bit.

tissues.

Packed tissues, but I cried a little bit and then I was like, "Okay, I can do this because God is with me. I am not alone. I am not by myself. I have him here. And [snorts] so, "Okay, God, we're going to figure out how to make this work." You know, and so, um and I think that's why it seemed quick to a lot of people that I went from her passing away to then dating Kimberly.

It's what, a month and a half?

It was 6 weeks. So, April 21st is when she passed away.

And And for men, men move quicker than women do. Um And I was concerned about him moving as quick as he did.

of concerns about me, but she didn't realize who I was yet, so.

But I [laughter] Some of it was because I wanted to respect his children as well.

Yeah, and that's probably one thing I could have been better at communicating with my daughters.

Well, how did they react?

Um I think reserved at first. Um very reserved. You know, kind of like I don't know about this. I don't know, you know, and and I did have a one or two people message me about that about it being fast, but what the thing is is that with God he operates in a different time frame than we do, but also when you really are fully invested in him he can help you either overcome the situation, step into something new, understand that he is opening up the doors for you at the timing that's correct. And so, I just knew that okay I was happy that Stacy was in heaven. I mean, I really was. I was truly happy for her. And really even a little envious cuz it's kind of like, okay, she's not worried about nothing now. Um and she gets to be with her Jesus. And so you know, and when you really understand in the breath of eternity that really our life here is just a small little blip anyway. Yeah, a dash. When we become eternal minded things don't look the same. And And life doesn't look the same. And so, I I looked at it differently. So, then for me it was like, yeah, 6 weeks later, June 10th, um was was the timing. So um

It's that peace beyond understanding, too, that people really have a hard time.

Yeah.

If you don't know him that deeply, you just can't fathom it.

True. People don't grasp it and they look at it through the wrong lens.

Yes.

Um and and we and we don't see things the way God sees it, which actually is a good segue into marriage, but

What God Taught Them About Marriage

What is the biggest thing um that God taught both of you coming out of your previous marriage?

I know one thing for me, I don't know about you. You want to go first?

Yeah, you go.

I would say the biggest thing I learned was communication in a very honest way. Honest communication. And actually, I say this I do a lots of premarital now and and have done many weddings. And I tell my couples this. Honest communication is the oxygen in your marriage. Without it, the marriage suffocates and with it, the marriage breathes. So, you have to have honest communication. Not just communication, you can talk all day long about everything. But true honest communication. So, um I learned that with my marriage to Stacy, that sometimes I wasn't totally honest. Sometimes I withheld information. Or sometimes I thought, maybe she'd be better off not knowing this, you know, or maybe it'd be better off if I just kept this to me. Um all wrong. No, no, no, no, no. That's not that's not the way it needs to operate. And so, um I I I encourage couples that communication is one thing, but communication has to be real, it has to be honest. You have to be an open book. If you are not 100% open with each other, you can't support one another the way God designed it to work because you didn't don't understand everything about that person. Cuz some things are withheld. Some things are hidden, some things are withheld. So, I think for me it was learning to really be fully open and honest.

That's good.

Which I think I overwhelmed Kimberly early on because of that. So, the whole extra comment, but you know, still um it it I wanted to implement it very early on, immediately pretty much. So.

And I think for me was not sweating the small stuff. I think when you when you get married in your 20s and you go through your 20s and you're you're trying to financially become secure, um you're raising children, sometimes your children come before your marriage. I think we had the advantage because we didn't have to go through all that, but I also realized that there are so many things that people um get so uptight about. And so, I've just learned I'm not sweating the small stuff. I'm not going to get upset. Um does Money do things sometimes that that aggravate the stew out of me? Absolutely.

No, I don't.

But I I've just learned that it it sometimes it's just not important to bring those up. I also try to make sure that we are very encouraging to each other, um and try not to tear each other down, and and I want to build him up. Um I know that um you know, in the past there've been some things that have messed with his self-esteem. And I know that because he communicated that to me early. And so, I try to make sure that I don't do anything in our marriage that's going to damage that, that's going to put him back into this fight or flight mode. And so, um so yeah, I think it's just don't sweat the the big the small stuff. The big stuff, sometimes you have to come together and you have to learn how to navigate those things together, but the small things, they'll take care of themself.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you think about the things that most couples fight over. What to watch on TV, where to go to go have dinner, you know, all these other they're they're minor. They're really nothing.

We don't fight over the TV because we have to watch what our kids watch.

Well, I guess I have to give in that. [laughter]

And we don't have kids.

And we don't have kids, but we also don't we don't watch a whole lot of TV. So, it doesn't matter, but I'm just saying for for normal, when you really think about that, um you know, it's it's like these are not life-altering things. These are not things that are and so it's kind of like why fight over why argue over it because it really doesn't matter.

And and also, I mean, you know, we are not you know, this is a I guess a big admission. We're not just financially rolling into the dough. I mean, I'm a teacher and he's a pastor. Um and so, yeah, we have money issues, but we've learned to come together and we've learned to communicate about those and we've learned to discuss them, not fight over them. And so, I think that's helped our marriage as well.

I absolutely believe so.

Did either of you did it cross your mind when your spouse's past that marriage might not be in the future again? Or did you know for sure that you wanted to enter into that again?

Choosing to Marry Again

No, I'm not good alone.

I knew he would answer that very quickly. [laughter]

I knew immediately. I was like, I'm not going to be good alone. Yeah, I'm not going to be good alone. I'm not going to be good by myself. It just ain't going to work. So, no, I knew immediately that for me, no, I would I would marry again. Um but I was also worried about it. I was also concerned um because I did not want to get into something, you know, you you hear the whole thing about unequally yoked and oh, you can't be on your and I think it goes way deeper than just a believer and non-believer. You know, I also believe that the yoking of two people has to be in a way that not only is it faith, but even the details within faith. So, you know, what you what you believe and how what how deep you believe and where your walk is and all those things and how you interact with children and all that all you know, the yoking is not just the believing piece the faith piece. So I was very specific about what I was expecting. And yeah, I told God exactly what I was expecting. I wanted a woman one who look like her. Two who who had the same faith who had the same beliefs who had the same desires as it concerns that and and

And he knew that immediately cuz my profile on Facebook dating was that I wanted a man who had the who knew the difference between a relationship with God and not the religion of God.

Yeah.

And so that was on my profile.

And I knew immediately when I wrote read that too on her profile so I was like okay home heart. But it was just the fact that um I think it's just I wanted to marry again but I also wanted to be careful. I knew how important and valuable marriage is and what it means and the way God looks at it so I didn't want to mess it up. I didn't want to make a mistake. So yeah, but

I I wasn't so sure that I wanted to get married again because I had said so many times when when you go through illness and long-term illness it also makes you very afraid of getting into a relationship again because like I said before caregiving is not for the faint of heart. And so I mean before I really got invested I made him go to the doctor and [laughter] get checked out.

Taking Care of Your Health

Yeah yeah. Yes I she was like

the health quiz.

quiz health check all the things.

Yeah get to his doctor and get checked out and and but I mean you know

You know also you got to remember we're a little older and it's not like we're in our So, the health may be a a concern of some sorts, but I knew I was healthy, but you know

But I had to get make sure.

But she had to make she wanted to make

Is he good about going to the doctor when he needs to?

Yeah, he is. He absolutely he is. I think and I'm I'm speaking for you, but I'm thinking it's also because he's respectful of me. He knows what I walked through.

I know like not to call out men, but a lot of men have a hard time going

No, you can call out men. We can handle it.

Like my husband has a history of like his father passed from heart attack and his grandfather passed from a heart attack. And I was like, you are going to go for a yearly checkup yes because I want to be prepared. Like I can't just lose you and we not have tried to figure it out. So, he's fine, but he goes yearly, but I have to make him go.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Well, and speaking for men, most men believe we're invincible.

Yes.

It's not going to happen to me. All those things. And and yeah, I knew early on when of course when we talked what she had gone through. But also I had to experience that with my my late wife too on health in in that regards. So, I was not opposed by no means and I thought well, you know what? It might not be a bad idea for me to kind of know and kind of check everything out and and yeah, and I did and I do. And now I go every 3 months to the doctor to my to my primary care doctor. Um and and for me it's almost like a a competition in a way on my numbers. So, now I'm kind of like, okay, what can I do to make my numbers better now? What can I do to make my you know, so and I think I would like to encourage men to do it and look at it that a way. One, you have to be honest with where you at. And even if your health is not that great, you have to be honest with it. And I have I have not been honest with mine for a long long long time. Um and then but then take it and use it as a as a purpose or as a um as an encouragement to be better. Um but I also knew that Kimber with what Kimberly experienced, this was something to give her a sense of security, a sense of safety which women really need and really desire. It's something God put inside of them to have that sense of security and safety. And men want to provide it with either the finance piece or I'm going to take care of the house and I'm going to take care of all this stuff. But if you don't take care of yourself, you're not taking care of the number one thing you need to be taken care of.

And my late husband knew for years he struggled with blood pressure issues and I would make him an appointment at the doctor and the the first stroke he had we were down in Mobile at a wedding and um I called his doctor in Birmingham. I said, "Hey, we're we're in the you know, ICU in Mobile and um I need his records sent here just so they know what you've done with him." And he goes, "I would love to." He said, "But it has become quite comical um in our office that you would call and make an appointment and your husband would call and cancel it." And that was devastating news to me when you find that out because I I I did want a man who respected me enough and who respected our family enough to make sure that they took care of their health. And so when I found that out, I was just devastated um and then over the course of the the five years that he was so sick, he had eight strokes. And some of it was because he would forget to take medicine or you know, but he he went from being a 54-year-old man when he had his first stroke. The first stroke probably made him 18 at the time, 18-year-old mindset and then every stroke he had made him younger. So by the time he he passed, he had the mentality of about a 12-year-old. And so and you know, it strokes are evil. I will just say that. And I just would encourage all men to go get in women, go get checked out. I mean, he had his first stroke on July June the 12th of 2015. And I have labeled that Rusty Day. And on Facebook every year when it comes up in my memories, I just say, "Take care of your health. Make sure that you take care of your family. Loving your family through getting checkups and things like that is important."

Well, they've got to lose the pride part of it. I love what you said about it being respect for you because that's exactly what it is. Like, we need that comfort in knowing that you're okay. It's not necessarily about you. It's about, you know, us and knowing that you're going to be there.

And you know, I look at my daughter, she's 29 years old and she's not married yet. She didn't have a father to walk her down the aisle. And it's things like that that, you know, my son who who needs a even though money is there, but he money is not his dad. And he needs some fatherly advice. And and they don't get that from their dad. And and he was a wonderful father to them when he was alive. But and and this is the one statement that and I I would encourage any man that's listening right now, if you say this, take this out of your vocabulary. My late husband would say, "I'm worth more dead than I am alive." And and he would say that for years. "I'm worth more dead." And and then I found out 5 days after he passed that he had in his stroke mind canceled his life insurance policy. So, when he passed, I lost all the financial support I had from him. You know, cuz he was on long and short-term disability. He had social security. All that. I had nothing. And then the life insurance that we counted on to pay for the bills that were for two income family, I didn't have. And so, I went from having a very substantial income even while he was sick and and ru- we were relying with all those other helps to a teacher's salary on bills that were built for a six-figure income and teachers don't make six figures. And so I walked into a financial ruin at that point, but I'm here to tell you God took care of me in such a big I would I would wake up and my doorbell would ring. I'd go to the door and it would be groceries that somebody had laid on our doorstep and I had been praying to God, God, I don't know where our next meal's going to come from. And and things like that happened over the course of time from the time my husband passed until I met Money. And and you know, I I say this, Money in the in the essence kind of saved me. But it was God. It was all God. I give God all the glory for bringing Money into my life. And and no, he wasn't on financial peace or anything like that. But this was God's provision for me. He provided a man that showed out in a big way. I mean, this is he's a godly man. He he loved his girls. He didn't have any baggage that he was bringing into a marriage. And and so just all those pieces fit so nicely together for us as as a couple.

Being Intentional Every Day

Yeah. One thing I've noticed is that healthy marriages don't happen by accident. You have to be very intentional.

Yes.

So, what does being intentional actually look like for you both?

Well, I I think too for me, there's so many things that come into marriages now and I hear Money talk about he never he never tells me who it is, but he'll tell me he's had counseling or or or coaching with somebody. And you know, like porn is an issue.

Mhm.

So, we just don't have that. We we don't open that up in our family. Um you know, and I think intentional just I want to be intentional a good wife for him. And so, every day I get up going, "What can I do to make him smile today?

Mhm.

What can I do to bring him joy? Um

And that's an intentional thought. So, that's that's something that

outlook.

Right. Um and so, it's you know, for me, it is purposefully doing something that lets her know how valuable she is to me.

Putting the dishes up by the dishwasher.

Yeah, something simple like that. You know, putting dishes or anything like that, but we do have our today's,

Mhm.

which is why I know it was 1,611 days that we've been married, by the way.

That's what I was going to ask about. I was talking about that.

just go ahead and No, we started early on. Um very early on. I wanted her to

We were actually dating at the time, yeah, cuz I had and then ended up running two numbers and I said, "This is stupid. I'm going to forget one of them." But, um but from the days we met and from the day we got married. So, we were married on February 22nd, 2022. Um at 2:00 in the afternoon, by the way. 2:00 2:00 22:00. It's just cuz we could. That was fun.

It was Anyway, it was a Wednesday.

It was a Wednesday, too. Anyway, um but still, every day, um especially if they Let me Let me put it this way. Days that we are not together, I think it's a good way to do it. So, like on Saturday and Sunday, we're usually together, I don't text her with this. But, like I will text her on that day what it is about her that I love, or a reason I love her, or something just to let her know I am thinking about her, or this is what she means to me, or this is um something that meant something to me. Um and so, it's an intentional effort. Don't get me wrong. This This is not something that you can just you have to be intentional and purposeful by about it. And so I will text her day 1,611. I love you because or I love you this way or hey, you said this last night and this it impacted me so tremendously that I can't get out of my head or or or something. Um it takes two different it's definitely it's intentional because then you have to consciously pay attention to everything. But at after 1,611 days, you're thinking I've already told her every reason I love her or I'm not I'm trying to think of what else is there now to say. And so what that does is it makes you stop and think. It makes you stop and think about her more and say what is there something? Why do I what's happened in the last 24 48 hours or the last week that that would that is something I can share with her that would hopefully encourage her to know how much I love her today. Um and so I will type it out. Day 1611. Today's I love you because you give more of yourself to me than I have ever experienced and every time I look at you, my heart still flutters. You know, something like that. So you just it's it's just a purposeful intention on letting her know she is well loved, she is well cared for and she matters that much to me. Um

I think something else that he does just to kind of move on from that is that every single night when we go to bed, he prays over us. And I mean, it's the last thing that we do before we fall asleep and and I sometimes I fall asleep in the middle

[laughter]

but it's because it makes me feel so at peace. And and he prays over our marriage, he prays for us to have a strong relationship. Um he prays for our children. He prays for our our work and the things that we do for God. Um and you know, we he asked that we be a blessing to God, not just that God blesses us, that we be a blessing to God.

That's so good.

And so I think the prayer time has probably I love the today's, but I think the prayer time is just that's something that really just touches my soul. I've never had a man pray over me before.

normally we really gear this podcast towards women, but the women listening, I just want to encourage you when you're getting ready for bed tonight, you just have this podcast playing. You [laughter] pause it right here. You rewind a little bit. Wait till your husband walks into the room. While he's setting the bar pretty high.

[laughter]

So, just let him listen in.

It was funny though though I will say this. Um I remember after we were married and and I and I was praying over you at night in bed. And and yeah, I I lean over, I lay my arms over her and we cuddle together and we pray. And she fell asleep.

He's the big spoon.

Uh yeah. She should and she fell asleep. And I could and I was in the middle of praying. And she had and she was deep breathing. Yeah, fully asleep. And and [snorts] you know what? The joy that exploded inside of me at that moment is hard to explain because it made me realize the comfort she is feeling. She was so relaxed and so comfortable that even though I was talking and even though I was praying out loud over us, she fell asleep.

Yeah.

And I remember the next morning she kind of freaked out for a little bit. And she was like, "I think I fell asleep in the middle of your prayer. I don't remember what you prayed. I'm so sorry." And I'm like, "Believe Honey, no. Believe me, you paid me a compliment by doing that." So, I want to tell men, if you're listening, if a man is don't get offended.

Yeah.

If she falls asleep with you praying, dude, that's a compliment.

Well, I think that's the best thing. I mean, nine times out of 10, I'm falling asleep in prayer cuz [laughter] it's it's the best peace though.

Right. If it's the best peace. And so, yeah, so yeah, I mean, you know, she every once in a while will still drift off a little bit, but not all the time anymore, but yeah, that early on it was like most probably half the time during the week she would be a course too, I tend to be long sometimes in prayer, so maybe that was part of it, but you know.

I think too, going back to the intentionality part of it too, we we've had a very exhausting few days. We've had a lot of moves going on in our family. And yesterday Monty Oh my gosh, he worked his tail off to move my mom into an assisted living facility. And it's hot. It was 104 heat index yesterday.

Alabama weather has been

Mhm.

Absolutely. And so, I think it meant so much to me because he hasn't known my mom for a long time. He's only known her for three and a half four years or four four years. And he worked his tail off to do that. And I made sure yesterday I told him over and over and over again how much I appreciated him. Cuz men do like to feel appreciation. They like to know that what they do matters. And I think for women tell your husband that. Tell them even if it's just cutting the grass, even though that's something they're supposed to do. Tell them I appreciate my yard looking so nice.

It was funny. I said she said it again last night. I mean, we were fixing to get into bed and get done and she said that. She said, "I just want to tell you again I really appreciate all you did today. I know you busted your fanny today." Which I did. I think I lost 2 lb yesterday, but still um but I told her I and I just honestly said, "Oh, you don't have to say that." But then I said, "But I really appreciate that you did." So it was a it was an honest communication back to her to say "Yeah, you know, I I love the fact that you're saying it too, but you don't have to, but really maybe you did cuz I love it hearing it, you know? So I did appreciate it."

And I I feel like, you know, when you when you do have a past like we've had with death finding things that you appreciate, you need to let them know that because one day it might be gone. And then you'll go, "Oh my goodness, you know, they did that for me and I didn't realize how much I appreciated it and I never told them." I wish I wish I would have.

Closing Prayer

Make sure to listen in next week to the second part of our two-part series about marriage. Lord, we come to you now and we want to thank you for Monte and Kimberly and their willingness to come talk about this subject that is so important. God, for anyone listening who is struggling in their marriage where there is a lack of communication or it just doesn't feel like it used to. Lord, help them to feel seen by you. Let them know that you are there in that moment and that you can give them the strength to get through this because marriage is worth it. It is worth fighting for and you will be there to fight with them every step of the way. It's not easy. People think marriage is so simple. It's like the fairy tales, but that is not what it is. It is something that you have to come every day prepared to fight for your marriage. God, let people be willing to do the things they need to do to open the doors so that communication can happen and that their marriage can thrive. Lord, help husbands to be the spiritual leaders in the households. Help wives to be the helpmates and the ones that guide their children to you, Lord. We thank you for all that you do. Amen. Before you go, if this episode spoke to you in any way, would you do us a favor? Share it with a friend who might need it, too. You never know who's walking through something quietly. And don't forget to follow, like, and subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next because we've got more real conversations, more honest moments, and probably a few more burnt toast stories along the way. Also, if you loved this episode and it meant something to you, we would like you to leave us a review or a comment. It helps more people find us and remind us that we're not just talking into the void over here. Thanks for sitting at the table with us today. We'll see you next time.