Don't Just Stay Married | Stay Intentional (Part 2)

Hey friend, welcome to the table. It's a little loud, a little messy, and someone probably forgot the timer again.

I'm Jade. [music]

And I'm Courtney.

And this is the beauty in burnt toast, where conversations get real,

grace meets us in the middle,

and there's always room for one more.

I think that was good.

Throwing Out Gender Roles

I want to put this here as well for people who are listening. Gender-specific roles, you need to throw those out.

Amen.

Because I absolutely love cutting grass.

Amen.

Me, too. We talk about that all the time. My husband says, "People in this neighborhood are going to think that I do nothing because you're always out there mowing the yard." But that is my time

Yes. Shut my brain down.

Oh my gosh. You said the same thing.

[laughter]

It's like I've done it ever since I was like a teenager.

love it. Yes. I love

She She absolutely loves mowing the grass. And

So at first, he was like, "Oh, I'll do that."

I want to do that. Now I'm just kind of like, "You know what? She's happy when she gets to mow the grass." I'm like, "Why am I going to make her not happy?"

She weed eats, too, because that's

No, I do not.

No, he does the weed eating.

That's us. We're exactly the same.

Yeah. And I like weed eating, so I don't mind it at all.

we get together and we pull weeds.

Yeah.

[laughter]

So cuz neither one of us like that very much.

Neither one of us like that piece, but But yeah, so yeah, gender-specific stuff needs to be thrown out the door. I really believe that totally. And I think that today's younger generation are more open to that. And I think I see that happening with the couples that I talk to. You know, it's kind of like you lean towards whatever you're either you're good at or you like the most. And if it's something that neither one of you really like, well, then you just try to decide to do it together and knock it out.

And we share the cooking a lot of the time.

do.

Um because I with with me driving to Homewood, which is over an hour away from Coleman, um you know, he will start dinner or and then whoever cooks, the other one cleans.

Yeah.

It's a partnership.

Right. Exactly.

man, they're the bug squisher, the top shelf furniture, the jar opener, you know. You each have your own thing.

That's very true. But yeah, I think that um uh we are very easygoing on anything and I'd like to encourage couples to not get hung up on the little on those things on those little things because, you know, um and also that if if if the husband is not like wanting to cut the grass and you're like thinking, "Oh my gosh, people can't even see the front of our house because the grass is so high." Um do the encouraging in a way that matters to you. So, the wife I think should say, "I really want our house to look wonderful. I want when people drive by here to see and look at us and say, 'Gosh, we look great. Gosh, we our house looks wonderful.'" Um I would love it if you would just help me in that regard.

Mhm.

Um and not be like, "Why are you so lazy and you won't cut the grass?" You know, there's a way to present stuff.

to It is I read a book a long time ago called Alabaster Boxes and it was about our words and how they should be like presents to people. And so, I think in marriages, I want my words to be pleasing to him. And like, you know, it says in the Bible like honey on your lips. I don't want things to come out bitter to him.

And so, you like honey a lot. [laughter] Um but I I think that's it. Let's let's present our words as boxes, things that people want to open. I don't want that to be that person to anybody that um they go, "Ooh, I don't like being around her cuz she's so negative." Um you know, I I have people that we call Karen or we call Negative Nancies and all that and I just don't want to be that I I probably pray that more in my prayer life. God, please don't let me be like this. Please help me in this area. And and it's the same way with him. I I not to go at him. There are times, I mean, cuz good lord, I am not perfect.

Neither am I.

Yeah, and so there are times that we go through this where we're like, you know, just stress.

And I can be extra in the wrong way, too, so that makes it even

Oh, he can be because [laughter] he can overdo something. And I'm just like, no, I don't want you to solve this issue for me. I just want you to listen to me.

[laughter]

And I think that's the men want to be the fixers. And and and we've had to really work on that as a couple. You know, you can't always fix the things that that are bothering me. And you know, and I also um being a pastor's wife is a very interesting place. I never in a million years thought I'd ever be here. And I have to learn how to control my tongue because I just go, I can't believe so-and-so did this to you at church. I can't believe they came up to you and did this. And you know, and I have to really learn to watch that as well because that's not good for him.

[snorts]

And so there are times that I have to just go in my car home from church. I'm I'm talking to myself. I can't believe Sally came over and and told money blah blah blah. Whatever it is, and I have to tell myself in the car because I don't want him to hear about it. And and I have to pray, okay, God, when he gets home, let me be encouraging. Let me be that alabaster box for him. I want to say, "Hey, this was a great opportunity. It wasn't a challenge, it was an opportunity."

True. That's true. And it's all about you're right, it goes back to the intentional piece. It is how you frame everything, and it begins in the mind.

Yeah.

It begins in your mind. And if we're renewing our minds the way scripture tells us to each and every day, we need to be renewing our marriage each and every day. We need to be renewing our relationship each and every single day. So, we have to think about it every day.

Yeah.

Um and you can't let a day slide because when you let a day slide, that's where the cracks happen and that's where the vines start creeping in. Yeah, and so you just have to be very careful, very careful.

How to Disagree Without Hurting Each Other

Well, so we know and like I told you, communication is so important. Like I know that is one of the foundations of a healthy marriage. So, how do you disagree with each other without hurting each other?

Well, first off you take the personal attacks out of the picture. They just never they never should be a part of the relationship.

Don't bring up the past.

Yeah, don't bring up the past. Um, you keep no accounts of wrongs. By the way, that's scriptural. Um, so you you really and that's true and that's that's hard to do at times because you think we're just repeating this, you know, we we had the same discussion 3 months ago, you know, and you want to bring it back into the today. But you have to be intentional about not trying to bring it back in today. But still it's like I [snorts] think um as far as disagreements go, um we learned something at Highlands College. Um, when we went we both went through the evening program for the adult learning at Highlands College. Um and they taught us something that is called take the order. And I do this I'm giving all my premarital advice here on this podcast deal. Um, so I I when my folks are sitting in here I teach them how to take the order.

And what is what we did in the ministry class?

Yes, it is. You remember you remember taking the orders. Um, and it

It was a fun activity.

It works for conflict resolution. You know, we did it with Chick-fil-A. If you remember right, we used the Chick-fil-A as the example. Um, and when you come into Chick-fil-A, you know, they're they're beautiful about asking all the things. So, you walk up, what would you like to order? Well, I would like to order this. I want a number two, you know, or whatever the number is. A number one. Um, do you want fries with that or do you want some you know, yes and then would you like any kind of sauces? Would you like this and hey, um you know, you for a dollar more or whatever you can get a brownie today. Do you would you like that? Did you want a large or medium in that drink, you know, all the things. They ask you all the questions. And then when they get down to the end, they repeat everything to you. And they say, "Okay, this is what you said. You want this, you want this, you want this with extra sauce or you want this size drink with this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is that all?" They'll even ask you again, "Is that all?" And I'm you're like, "Yes." Well, "Is your order correct?" Yes.

then, you know, okay, it'll be this amount. You know, proceed to the next person whatever and then you get through, of course. You know, you go through the whole thing.

Thank you. My pleasure.

My pleasure. Thank you. My pleasure.

But, think about this. If you walked if you if you drove up to Chick-fil-A and the fried chicken sandwich number one and you say and they say, "Can I take your order?" Yeah, I want a number one. How would you feel if that person looked at you and said, "I'm sorry, you're a little overweight. You don't need that fried sandwich. You need the grilled sandwich. You need a number three, okay? I think you need a number three. You need to lighten need to lighten on the mayonnaise and really you need the fruit cup. You don't need any fries with that meal,

You don't need that soda. You need water.

You need water and you know, and so they're trying to tell you what you need to order based on the way they're looking at you. Marriages happen like that all the time and you try to engage in the conversation and tell the person what you think needs to happen without understanding what they truly need. So, when you go back into an order taking scenario, you take turns and this is hard. This is hard for couples to learn.

It's a discipline.

It's a discipline. You take turns giving your order. If you have a disagreement, if you cannot come to an agreement on something, you stop. That's hard in and of itself sometimes, but you stop. One person gives their order. The other person asks the questions. I suggest you get a pad and you write it down. Right then. And you ask the questions. You don't say anything about their order.

And no solutions ever happen through arguing and through yelling.

Yeah.

I I I know in in any relationship I've had, if I get heated with somebody, nothing is going to be fruitful from it.

Do you ever go to bed go to bed angry?

Never.

No. Uh never have. Um even in my previous marriage, when we got angry, we never went to bed angry. Um I remember one time we were very very upset. Um and I can't remember now what it was about. Probably one of those silly things. But we actually ended up being awake until like 3:00 in the morning. Just because we were going to get through this in some fashion before we went to sleep. Um and it's not that I don't think that you can't go to bed without a resolution. You can go to bed without a resolution. You can go to sleep without it being fully resolved. But don't go to sleep with that angry on your heart.

Yeah.

So make sure that

the next morning is a better um spot for the solution.

Yeah, better mindset.

time to calm down and

Yeah.

I you know, I've also learned you you if you need to take a deep breath, walk away for a few minutes, come back to it.

It's not you you don't you don't

I'm not turning my back on him. It's just I need time to process because he processes things a lot faster than I do. Sometimes I like to sit and soak in it for a minute. And then come back with my response because if I come back with the response I'm feeling in that moment, it's going to be hurtful. And so I have to take a break and walk away from it. And and I've even learned this with my aging mother. I've had to just go, "Okay, I'm I'm we're not going to agree on this, so let's move on."

Yeah, so

Agree to disagree.

Agree to agree to disagree. But yeah, don't don't feel bad about walking away for a few minutes. Sometimes it's healthy. Sometimes it's healthy to take a pause.

Yeah.

Um and yeah, and it's not an indication that you're to a point where you just can't stand it. No, it's at a place where you need to process it. You need to you need to gather yourself together. And I especially if you suffer from a quick anger. Um you know, um my late wife was quick to get angry. She She had a little red in her hair. My youngest daughter is fully red-headed and I'm not throwing any shade over here now. Um but the the quickness of getting upset or angry was there. Um but God made her that a way.

Yeah. I'm totally fine until you tell me to calm down.

[laughter]

But you tell me to calm down and it's like, "What did you say to me?"

Your eyes start twitching and you start having issues. I get it.

Well, and and I There was a a scenario that someone told me about shaking a soda can. When you shake that soda can, if you pop that top, what's going to happen? It's going to explode. If you set it down for a little bit, come back to it, then pop it, it's not going to explode so much. And so we try not to have those soda can moments.

That's a great way to look at it.

Yeah.

It's very true.

One of the biggest things I learned in couples therapy was having that communication like you saying something and then the spouse saying what they heard from it.

Built to Be Different, On Purpose

Right. Cuz it's always told

Men and women hear different.

Yeah, it's crazy. Our wires are just built different.

Mhm.

And so

But I like to throw in here God designed it that way.

That's right. Yeah.

It's not an accident. It is on purpose. And two are better than one.

Yes.

So if you can learn how to marry the two together, the strengths become stronger. Um and

also like to tell young couples, remember why you fell in love. Remember the things that made him the person that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

Yeah.

Um you know, Money and I we we want to make it He was married almost 29 years. I was married 25. We want to be married 30.

We Yeah, our goal is 30. Now, I'm not going to tell you how old I'll be when we hit 30.

We'll be very old.

We will be Yes, very old is a good way to put it, but I am bound and determined going to my doctor every 3 months that I'm going want make it that far.

The Biggest Communication Mistake: Omission

What is the biggest communication mistake that you see couples making?

Oh, I know the answer to that one. Um the biggest mistake is omission in my opinion. Um not leaving something out.

Mhm.

Uh you know, I I said again, honest communication is the oxygen to your relationship. Um and the biggest problem with honesty um being in the communication is when you don't tell everything.

Mhm.

And you need to be very very honest. Even the ugly, even the stuff that may be hurtful. And what you've got to realize is that you're not saying it to hurt the other person. You're saying it to bring it up so that the two of you can address it to make you better.

Yeah.

And so when we all try to revolve around ourselves so drastically that it we take it and we're like, "Oh, well, you're just meaning that against me." No, I'm actually meaning that that this hurts me. Or I'm meaning that this is something that we need to discuss. Or this is something that I think we could be better at. Or this is So, omission to me is the one of the biggest issues in communication in marriage in my opinion cuz you're thinking maybe I just don't need to say that. I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to bring that up. I don't want to hurt that person's feelings. I don't want to want to do this. I don't want to If you ever say I don't want to rethink what you're thinking.

Mhm. Well, too, if there's anything that you feel like you have to hide from your spouse.

There should never be

that to God.

Holy man. Amen. Men listen to me, don't hide.

Mhm.

Don't hide.

Full Transparency: Phones, Location, and Temptation

have both of your phones open to each other? Oh, absolutely. And we have 360 on our phones so we can see where each other is. Um I think that's a I from Monty that was a big thing. I had never had that before in my previous relationship. And for him that was just a big thing.

Yeah.

Um knowing where I am for safety and security.

and security for me. I mean, I want to know that if she needed me at any moment, I would know exactly where she was at.

Mhm.

And with that's come to play several times.

It's come to play a few times. But

When I run out of gas on the interstate.

It wasn't [laughter] that I didn't trust her. It wasn't that I didn't trust her. It wasn't didn't that I didn't trust where she was at or what she was doing. I I trust I implicitly. But I also wanted to be able to know that I knew where she was at that if I needed to get to her, I could. Um or if I needed to be there for her, I could. And also sometimes it's good cuz it's a way to surprise her

Mhm.

in some capacity that she didn't realize that why are you here? Well, I knew you were going to be here or I followed you here or whatever the case may be.

But also the one thing that we've adopted in our texting life is that if we text somebody of the opposite sex, we include the each other. So, no matter what we have and sometimes it's a little harder for him because he is a minister and just that confidentiality. But if it's something like we have a several group texts. I mean, that's pretty much all of all of our texts are group texts.

of the texts, yeah.

We include each other.

But we just we um you know, she can access my phone at any time. I can access her phone at any time. And for men, and I'm speaking if you're listening and you're a man, um and you're hiding something, take it to God. Get on your knees. Um and your wife will be your biggest advocate to change.

Mhm.

I can tell you this. Um I've seen it happen. I can believe it happen. And um and if it's something that you feel like you cannot fight for some reason, then do everything in within your power to eliminate the temptation that exist. Meaning, get off social media if that's what it if that's what it takes. Um put put a new app. There's a ton of apps out there now that allow a accountability partner with you on website access. Um you know, Kimberly and I have full login. If I'm looking at her emails, I can her emails are on my phone. Her history's on my phone. My history's on her phone. Everything is is fully open and and you have to really develop that um and that's why I go back to that omission piece. Um, so men, I I I really believe it's the man's responsibility. I'm I mean, I believe it is. It is the man's responsibility to to have that focus and that vision and that direction within that marriage and to put those things in place.

Yeah.

So, if your job is to keep your marriage safe and secure, which is one of the most biggest things that your wife needs, then do everything within your power to make that happen.

Well, this world is full of temptation. And you just need to eliminate it completely.

Yep.

Absolutely.

Absolutely eliminate it. And that's

Learning Not to Smother Each Other

And and I I've talked to a several of the newly married uh wives. And the one thing I get from them is he's just smothering me. He's

[laughter]

smothering me. He wants to be with me all the time. And I sit there and I just look and I'm like, enjoy that.

[laughter]

Because when things happen, when kids happen, when life happens, you're going to miss the fact that he wants to be with you all the time.

Yes. [laughter]

And you know, and Money and I do, we have that open line of communication for everything that we do in our life and and nothing is hidden because what you do in the secret will be exposed.

Mhm.

And it took me a little bit, I'll be honest. Um, and and on with her um, to allow certain times to happen. She talks about the smothering piece. Um, I remember the first trip she took um, actually the first trip she took was July 4th, the not even a month after we had met. I was already smothering her. I was already every day, 100 times a day. Um, she went on a trip to uh Vegas, I think, with her sister.

with my sister.

sister. And and I was like Well, dang, she's going to be gone for like 4 days or whatever. What am I going to do? This is like, you know, So, needless to say what I did is I detailed her car, which made me feel close to her. Um I cleaned her house, which made me feel closer to her. I did things that just, you know, during the day that made me feel like I was with her in a way, but not with her physically. Um but even earlier on, it was hard for me to let go, I think, in some ways to she's going to take this trip with women to this crafting retreat thing somewhere for like 3 days and

But I think some of that those feelings for Mondy was because I had dated so much. And when we first started dating, other men were still texting me. And it took a while to say, "Hey, I'm off the market, you know?" And I And And I realized, too, that that was a something in him that he had some insecurities over. And so, I had to make sure that we safeguarded that. And um and, you know, he went through my phone one time. Um this is a big deal. He went through my phone at one point and started blocking all the men that were texting me. And I'm like, "Wait, you you can't do that. I got to tell them why. This is like ghosting them, you know? Can't do that."

[laughter]

Um and then he was like, "But I don't understand. Why are you still talking to them?" And I'm like, "Well, I'm not sure about you yet." It's It's I I It took me a while to come around.

Like, she's not putting you on the spot, is she?

No, not at all.

But I mean, he says that he knew immediately when we started dating, and it took me a while. And so, and I wanted to make sure

I told God that night.

Yeah, I wanted to

that night driving home. I said, "Well, she's the one to marry." I mean, I knew it.

Yeah.

I knew it. I was

And And I It took me a while. My friends even did a background check on Mondy. And you know, and unfortunately, they came up with some things from his past, but it wasn't him. It was his It was his dad because he's He's the third.

name as my dad.

And And so there were some things that came up on that and they were like, "Well, do you know that he spent time and I'm like, "Oh my goodness, that's not him. That's his dad."

But see, here it goes. Here you go. Honest communication. We I mean, we told very early within a week

Very early.

I mean, within a week or two of dating, we had pretty much aired every dirty laundry secret we had. I mean, even our family.

Yeah.

Even things that were out there. Um and because I wanted her to know me, but also wanted her to know my family. I also wanted to know everything. And so, yeah, so needless to say, we we talked a lot. Lord, we talked more than we did.

Yeah, and and there were things in my past from in my 20s that I told him. Um because I wanted him to know everything about me. And I wanted to give him that opportunity to run instead of getting married and then running. And so, I think airing that all those things out, just laying all that dirty laundry out for him to say, "Okay, now, here I am. Do you want to still partake of that or do you want to go and try to see if you know, the grass is greener on the other side?"

Yeah, we don't want to get into a marriage and things pop up.

Right, not at all.

unturned.

Scripture That Shapes Their Marriage

That's exactly right. Yeah. Well, so I always every episode we do some sort of scripture that is important to the guest or goes with the episode. So, what is one Bible verse that has become especially meaningful in your marriage? And why?

There's actually There's a bunch. Um I could bring up a bunch. Um but I will say the biggest Bible verse that I have is actually my life verse and I don't know if you know what a and anybody who's listening, if you don't know what a life verse is, it's a verse that just speaks to you specifically that you want to wrap your life around and say that this is kind of like it's almost like my personal vision statement in a verse. And so, for me, it's 1 Corinthians 16:13 and 14, which is be on guard, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong, and do everything with love. So, in marriage, you look at that and you say, "Okay, be on guard." Oh, well, that's obvious. You always have to be on guard. You have to be protection. You got to be aware. Stand firm in your faith. If you don't have faith in your marriage, I don't see how you make it. Plain and pure and simple. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Sometimes you have to be courageous even in marriage. And be courageous on what

the hard things.

talking about something or be be somewhere. Um, and being strong for each other. Sometimes there's times where you have to be the strong one because the other one's suffering in something. And Kimberly and I have done that many times. Um, where she's had something terrible happen at work or something go on or something issues happening in life or something. And we we're strong for the other person. But then the key is and do everything with love. Everything. It doesn't say do most things. It says every single thing. And that word, um, is agape in Greek. Um, is the when it says do everything with love. And so, I looked that up. Kimberly and I are kind of word nerds and stuff like that when it comes to that. Um, which is Anyway, um, and that is like love going forth from your soul and taking up its abode as it were in ours. So, equivalent to your love to us, God's love to us. So, the agape is being present with or embracing you. It's It's like love feast. is a good way to put that. Agape is like love feast. It's like there's so much you can't even take it all in. Um, that's what agape is. And that's the way marriage should be. It should be that there is so much you It's almost like you can't take all of it in. And so, if you do everything with love that way in every capacity of your life. Um um Christ is honored. God is glorified in it. And it brings joy not only to you, but to everyone around you, too. So, um so that's the Bible verse that I would say, 1 Corinthians 16:13-14. And that is my life verse.

And I think for me, I and I hope I'm quoting this, Galatians 5:22, the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. If you practice all the fruits of the spirit within your marriage, you're going to have a happy marriage. I'm going to love him through everything. When times are so tough, peace. Let's try to bring some peace to our situation. You know, joy. I think that's probably Joy is the biggest thing for Money and I. Um I get joy out of watching him get joy out of being with other people. He is a people person, and sometimes I I'm like, I'm done peopling. But he is like, people, let's go. There's people over here, let's go here, let's go there. And I love that about him, and I kind of embrace that difference in us. Um but then gentleness. I want to be gentle with him, and so that it brings the peace that the love comes naturally. Self-control in the things that tempt us. You know, faithfulness. I want to be faithful to him. He's going to be my number one. He is going to be my ride or die. And I'm not going to let anybody come in on that. You know, those are things, especially when like I work in the the world. I mean, he gets to work in church. How wonderful is that? But I work in the world, and there's so many people that I see the temptation come up in. And I'm like, well, don't go into that classroom if you know that person's going to be a temptation for you. Find other things to do with your time. Um and so, I think the fruits of the spirit I think if you have if you strive to be that tree that bears a lot of fruit, then I think your marriage will bear a lot of fruit. So, that would be mine.

And I think somebody needs to hear this verse. Romans 12:10. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. And to me that's that's a an excellent marriage verse as well. Um so if 1 Corinthians doesn't speak to you and Galatians doesn't speak to you, maybe this one in Romans does. But, it's just that that one's so cool. It's just genuine affection and and and delight in honoring each other. Um so, yeah. Anyway, I just thought I'd throw that one in.

Yeah. There's a bunch out there.

Advice for Newlyweds

Oh, yeah. We have a bunch. We do have a bunch. So, what is one piece of advice you wish every newlywed could hear? So, you said you count counsel, right?

Oh, yeah. A lot of newlyweds. A lot of newlyweds. I can't even I don't know I'm not even sure how many I've done at this point. I I've lost count. Um but

a joke that he's the marrying and burying pastor. He does a lot of weddings and he does it We had one wedding one time it was 30 minutes apart from each other.

Yes. That was interesting.

that. That was recently.

Yeah, that was recently.

Yes. That was crazy coming in on two wheels.

Yeah. We were.

[laughter]

Um I would say the biggest piece of advice um I can give um a couple is to have a vision for your marriage.

Mhm.

Have a vision for your marriage. What does that look like? Where Where do you plan to be? Um what is it about your marriage that you want to shine and show forth? What What do you want your marriage to speak to other people? So, I mean, you talk about without vision the people perish. And without So, every every business has vision statements. Every every ministry, every church, every you know, community transformation through the love and power of Jesus is is what it is with our church at Daystar. So, it's kind of like

[snorts]

So, I think marriages are no different. And for you to be highly successful in your marriage, you need to to to incorporate a vision for your marriage. So, that's the biggest piece of advice I would give for that.

And and for me, I would just say for a newly married couple, let's say, I have so much that I want to to say. Um I think that the praying over each other, do that. I think that that just starts a foundation. And so, you know, even though Money is the one that prays over me at night, I can pray at any time over him. But, he is the the leader of our family, so he he takes on that role. And I think that that is one thing that makes young couples uncomfortable. And I love the fact that sometimes in his counseling or coaching, whatever you call it, um he talks to the new couples about that. And and he tells them, it's going to be uncomfortable, but try it. And we did a marriage small group a few years ago, and that was the one thing we encouraged everybody, even that that some of them have been married a lot longer than us, start praying. And that is the one thing that some couples that have been married 20 years came back to us and said, "I'm so glad we did that. We started that habit in our family." And so, I think maybe it's just praying over each other, but start those healthy habits early on in your marriage. Because it's easier to fight things that come into your marriage when you have that foundation than to try to start that when you're in the middle of the the trial or the struggle.

And it's hard to it's hard to disagree with each other when you just remembered last night you were praying about, "God bless this woman. She is such a joy to me and I thank you so much for her and so it's almost like praying out loud with each other and over each other. Um it secures the ability to fight the things that would try to tear you apart.

Yeah.

Um because you're saying it out loud and so when we're speaking and that's why I want to say too to couples, pray out loud with each other. You know, you let you hear each other. Hear each other's voice. Hear

power and it changes the atmosphere. Yeah.

Absolutely.

Alabaster box.

Absolutely. So,

yes.

Can a Marriage Be Restored?

Okay. So, what would you tell someone who's wondering if their marriage can be restored?

Yes.

[laughter]

And I would also definitely say yes.

Mhm.

And it may be the most difficult thing that's ever happened in your life.

What are you willing to fight for?

Mhm.

Because the the thing is God designed marriage in such a way that there's a oneness to it.

Yeah.

And

meant to be alone. God didn't just make Adam.

But there's a oneness to it, too. There's a oneness in spirit, there's a oneness in physical, there's a oneness in mental, emotional. I mean, in all the aspects you can think of, it becomes a oneness. So, when things happen to destroy that, whether it's infidelity, whether it's addictions, whether it's whatever it may be, um uh it it it is like I said earlier, it's it's a death. It's it's it's like a grief period. Do you think you can come out of it? I would say yes. Because God has forgiven us. We must forgive others.

Mhm.

Forgiveness is hard with the person who is supposed to be the closest to you. It is the hardest that there is to do. But it can also be the most rewarding. However, I say this as well. Even though you walk through forgiveness, doesn't mean that you forget everything. You can't. Um you can't forget all things. You have to work hard at how does the repair work? How does the the restitution work? How does the all the things that would have to be put in place to grow it again, to make it what it is called to be, what God intended it be. But, I'm going to tell you this, restoration will never happen without our God.

Yes.

Restoration will never happen without Jesus. Pure and simple. The closer we grow to him, the closer we grow to each other. It's like a triangle. I draw this on a board with everyone in my couples. And you put God at the top, and you put each of you at the point at the bottom of the triangle, and you look at that triangle as each of you individually grow closer to God, you automatically grow closer to each other. You can't do it any other way. So, the closer you get to God, the closer you are together.

Mhm.

To where almost you get to a point where you are so in tune with God, you're automatically in tune with each other. Um so, restoring that, it can be very difficult. I suggest get counseling. Get biblical coaching and counseling. Get therapy if it's needed. There's nothing wrong with that. Man, listen to me if you're listening. There is not a thing wrong with therapy.

Mhm.

Sorry. There's not a thing wrong with counseling. There's not a thing wrong with coaching. We all need it.

Yes.

If you go into a sport, if you go into a game, who's there? There's a coach there. Heck, they're telling you what needs to happen. No different.

But, just make sure it is a Christian counselor. Somebody who does not lead you astray. And um and we got people.

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm.

And we got people. I know people, by the way. Um

Yeah, [snorts] I think a lot of couples shy away from therapy because of the cost of it. And so, they realize that that if you go to church, there's a lot of times there is no cost to it.

Yeah. And so, what are you willing to invest in your marriage?

lot of insurance will cover a portion of it.

Now Now they will. Now they will. Yeah, mental health counseling is is becoming uh prevalent. So, um you know, and I also tell people that when you're in the middle of uh argument or you're in the middle of just a struggle, sit down across from each other, look each other in the eye. We have lost art of communication.

Mhm.

And take each other's hands. It For me, if I look at Money and I take his hands and I talk to him, he has no choice but to look at me. And so, if I can sit there and just say, "Hey, this happened today. It bothered me." or "This happened today and you did that." I mean, his face right now is even softening. And so, sometimes you just need to step away from the situation, go back to that what did I fall in love with them? What made me want to be with this man forever? Um what made me want to have children with this man? And you know, when you divorce, you're [snorts] going to have remnants of that man regard in your children. And so, what what you dislike in your husband, guess what? It's going to be something in your child. So, you've got to pray through those things. You've got to be honest with this man. You've got to have If anything, if anybody's taking anything from our conversation today, it's communication.

Yes.

Communication. Open lines of communication, honest communication.

I know I know we're drawing I know we're long time. This is a long podcast.

It's good. But I I just want to say real quick, um a lot of people, like you said, lose sight of the why.

Mhm.

And I just want to say, don't give up. Restoration is possible.

Absolutely.

And through prayer and time, healing is also

Yes. It absolutely is possible.

You can get through it and come out the other side. Are you willing to fight this?

By the grace of God

Yes.

goes I.

Yeah.

Um but

we're not going to go to war with the devil with stick. We're going to go to war with the devil with our sword. And so the same thing in our marriage, you're not going to go in there with a wet noodle.

Yeah, when I fight I fight on my knees.

That's right.

Mhm. Good. Good.

Stewarding What God Entrusted to You

That is good stuff. I don't know how many other things you had. Is

Do you have like the final anything that's really important we didn't touch on?

I do.

Okay.

I do. Um and this is something that just I thought about just the other day because I was thinking about this podcast coming up and I was thinking about marriage and I thought, "I I know so much about marriage." And I know so many Yes, I'm And I was like, "Actually, I I honestly asking God, um God, what is something different? What is something that I haven't really thought about in marriage?" And this thought came to me and it just absolutely took me to my knees. Um Uh God created marriage, but he created all the wonderful things that go along with marriage, too. You know, the togetherness and the and the love, the support, the sex. I mean, everything. God created it all. I mean, we can be honest with it. Um but it dawned on me that um God created marriage also with a level of trust and not what you would think. Not Oh, I trust God with my marriage. No. God trusts us with marriage. With the concept of marriage.

So, how are you stewarding your marriage?

How are you stewarding your marriage? You know, you think about stewardship and you think about all the possessions and money and how am I taking care of all the things that God's placed in my life and am I am I a good manager? Am I a good steward? But God trusted us. He trusted me with Kimberly. He trusted me with her well-being. He trusted me. That's his daughter. He created her in the way that he created her in his image he created her. But then he trust me with her and how to take care of her? So you think about that that God made marriage in a way that is a level of trust to us that goes beyond just even just stewardship. It's actually

[snorts]

it's a divine appointment. Marriage is a divine appointment. It is it is something that God places in in people's lives to say, "I am trusting you with him. I am trusting you with her." So please take

disappoint God.

So please take care of her. Please take care of him. Cuz that's my son. That's my daughter. And even though we got to look at the why of what our marriage why we got married and and determine the why, we also have to look at each other through the eyes of our heavenly father. And we have to look at that person and say, "Why does God love him? Why does God love her?" He created her that way. What can I do to enhance how he created her? What can I do to make how he created him better? That's stewardship. And don't you can't tell me God is going to bless the socks off of that when you do that when you take it that way and you look at it that way and you start focusing on it in that way. Um he's going to say, "Yeah, you finally get it. Okay, watch this." You know, and so much stuff will explode in your life that you just think I mean sometimes I wake up and I'm like "How do I get to live this life?" I mean I had what? This is just insane. I got a amazing wife. I got an amazing family. I got I got a a a career a job a thing that I get to get up and do every single day and it's because God if you're faithful in what he trusts you with the joy comes automatically but then again too he starts blessing you with the other things because you're exactly so hey the whole goes to the whole talent you know parable if you take care of the 10 you get another 10 um and dude I want to have 20 you know so I'm just kind of like okay so I just that thought God dropped that thought in my head the other day to say I trust you with Kimberly

and I'm a music person and so song lyrics really speak to me a lot and there's an old song that we sang in choir um called sweet aroma praise and I want our marriage to be a sweet aroma of praise to God that when he closes his eyes and he smells our marriage he smells the most sweetest thing ever so I always want to be a sweet aroma praise to God

that's good we have never um done an episode strictly on marriage um and I don't know why we've waited so long but this is perfect I think it's great it's a lot of really good information

hope that people know that if if anybody out there needs help Money and I will help we will coach we will do whatever it takes we have we have walked alongside couples um in their marriage and

many times

we want to see marriages succeed

Closing Thoughts and Prayer

well if you're open to it I'm going to include your email in the description if anybody needs to reach out

absolutely

yeah I've started trying to do that for anyone who needs help

yes

um all right healthy marriages aren't built in the big moments they're built in the thousands of small choices to love forgive communicate and put Christ first. That is number one.

Thank you for joining us today.

Thank you.

Bye. Thank you. Dear Lord, we come to you now and we want to say thank you for those who have come to listen to this message on marriage. Lord, whatever they may be going through right now, you know. We just ask that you help guide them through whatever the issue may be. That the husband or wife, that they would be willing to come together and seek you and seek your face and just make it easy for them to be able to lean on each other and come together in prayer so that you can strengthen them and they can walk in you and not only lead their family, but others that see them and see their strength in you to have better marriages and stronger families, Lord. Anyone struggling, help them to know that they are not alone. Marriage is not an easy thing, but you can do it if you put in the effort. Lord, we thank you for our listeners. We thank you for this podcast. And we thank you for those willing to come on and share their testimonies and their stories, because our stories are what connect us. Thank you, Lord, for being you. Amen.

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