The depression no one sees. What it really looks like

In this episode, hosts Jade and Courtney set aside their planned topic to have a raw, honest conversation about the seasons of life when God feels silent. They open up about depression, chronic illness, spiritual doubt, and what it actually looks like to submit to God's plan when you can't see the next page — sharing scripture, personal stories, and encouragement for anyone walking through a hard season right now.

Hey friend, welcome to the table. It's a little loud, a little messy, and someone probably forgot the timer again. I'm Jade. And I'm Courtney. And this is the beauty in burnt toast, where conversations [music] get real. Grace meets us in the middle. And there's always room for one more. I think that was good.

Welcome back to the Beauty and Burn toast. This is a very interesting episode because it's one that is going to be very raw and authentic. But Jay and I decided to ditch what we were planning on doing because beforehand we were just talking and it got raw and honest and now it's going to be awkward cuz we're talking about it now. But

Sitting in the Silence

sometimes we like to fly by the seat of our pants.

Yeah. I mean I don't want this to seem like we put on a face for this podcast and it's been very real for me the past month. So I kind of want to dive into it and talk about it. But I to start feel like I've been struggling with my purpose, my relationship with God, my relationship with myself, and part of myself coming to terms that I'm not in control. So that's interesting. Um, but it's hard.

Yeah. It's um I mean especially as women I know we talk about a lot that we have control of our households.

Yeah.

And a lot of our life. I mean that's kind of our job as a woman. So when we don't know and we don't have plans that kind of derails our lives.

Yeah. I I'm one to be very impulsive. People that know me know that. And one thing I I have a weakness for is when I don't feel like God's talking to me or I don't hear him because I want to know what's next. I want to know what's coming up. I want to know why I'm there, what's happening. And when I get silence, I go silent.

Yeah. It's frustrating.

Yeah. So, one thing that we were talking about before that we kind of both have in common is that we have both kind of been experiencing that just silence. Um, I know for me, I feel like I've been in a holding pattern for quite some time and patience is not my virtue. Um, but my prayers have been, you know, Lord, I want I want to hear you. I want to see you. I want you to,

you know, meet me in my dreams. Give me a vision. Like, give me something. Like, I just I want something. And even, we've talked about like screaming in our car like I look like a lunatic. Even on the way here, I'm like, where are you? And I know a lot of times I keep telling myself when he is silent that does not mean that nothing is happening.

Yeah.

Because he is working behind the scenes.

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean it's any less frustrating because we're human.

Yeah. I I heard this I don't remember from where, but it was discussing when you're going through a silent season, sometimes God will take a step back and see how you react because it could be a test and where you're going.

I love test

and I don't [laughter] that was total I'm a horrible testing. But pretty much when when I get in these silent seasons cuz it's, you know, it's it's not often, but it happens. I kind of think of that is, you know, he's he's here. He's taking a step back to not tell me anything to see how I react.

And I think it's because my weakness is being impulsive

spiritually, too. And so right now I'm in a season where I'm out of control with everything honestly besides friendships and family. Um, you know, our house is not falling apart, but there's a lot of problematic stuff and we're very blessed to live under, you know, a we have a great house, but, you know, we have things that are out of our control. And now financially there's we're pulling out for that. And, you know, physically, you know, I have a condition and I'm in a constant flare right now. And there's not a lot of people. I know one person that has intersticial cyitis and so and they're not even we're not even in contact anymore. So there's not a necessary necessarily I don't know how to say that support system.

Yeah, there's not a support system there unless it's on Facebook group which you don't really know them but

so I'm not really in control there.

And the only place that I thought I was in control was in my mind and I've been going through a season where it's really tough. a lot of mental battles, a lot of spiritual battles. And I am at a point where I'm tired and I have been doing the screaming prayers, the crying prayers, the the prayers where it's Lord, I don't even know what to say. Just hear my tears. And I've been there many times and I do know that once I get through that season and the storm clears up and the clouds clear up, I'm able to see the field.

Yeah.

And that's hard because I'm waiting for that. And the more I wait, the bigger it gets. The burning gets more intense. And so it's definitely difficult. And you know, Jade and I were talking prior to this vid, you know, getting this all together. But it's just not knowing where he's calling you or what that looks like, it it can create struggle. And especially for someone that is impulsive like me, wanting to paint that picture and then it not turning out that way can be very destructive. And so I've learned not to do that. Not to paint a whole picture or like write your whole life story out in pen, but rather in pencil so that he can erase it and change and alter stuff. And I think I have just been in consistent prayer of Lord, where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? And I had people telling me, "You're at, you know, maybe you're at where you're supposed to be or you're supposed to be where you're at." And I'm like, "I don't feel that though. I don't feel peace.

I don't feel joy. I don't feel the fruit of the spirit where I'm at."

Yeah.

It's unsettling.

And so for me, I'm trying to find clarity of if where I'm at right now is God ordained or if it's enemy ordained.

Yeah. So, you know what's interesting to me now that we're talking I think back to um co like the real estate market was really good

like things were really good business was really busy and there was a lot of contentment there I would say but I I think that's why now I really don't like the word content because in their contentment there that's that's all there really was

like it was like a financial stability but that's it

and I think I would rather be

here in frustration mode.

Yeah. knowing that he's preparing something and there's something ahead instead of being in that contentment but being empty and further away from my purpose.

Yeah. Oh, I agree. I think I would rather be angry that I don't know where I'm at in the presence of God than satisfied doing something that is from my flesh without him. And while it can be harder at times because you aren't just doing what you want, you aren't just doing it without authority. I think it it can it can be difficult to obey and be obedient to him and submit to him when it's Lord, I don't know what you're doing, but I'm going to trust that whatever happens is from you

and it's going to be better than where I'm feeling I'm at right now. I feel like that's something that you have keep having to replay in your head

Trusting God's Plan Over Your Own Understanding

over and [laughter] over and over and over. But so I want to read uh Proverbs 35-6. Like y'all know this verse. This is a very popular verse. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight. That's the hard part is not knowing what he's doing, not being able to understand in our human minds what is happening because his ways are so much greater

and we will really never understand why he does the things that

he does and we want to. It's like thinking about the the universe and our planet and and God and who was here before God and how did God like when you go down that rabbit hole you're just like what is happening? And I think it's the same with trying to think about his ways. Like you just can't physically humanly get there.

I don't think we're supposed to fathom it.

Yeah. I don't think we're supposed to be able to process what God processes because it is it's not even on the same same wavelength.

Yeah.

Uh he knows things that we will never know about ourselves.

And I think there's a reason for that and maybe a protection for that. Mhm.

What It Really Means to Submit

But I do think it can be difficult to truly understand what submitting to God can look like cuz I think there there has been times in my life where I'm like, I've submitted this to God, but I'm still holding it

or I'm still carrying it back. And so submitting to God, I think people like to talk about it as, you know, it's easy. You just give it to him. he, you know, it just give it a go to his feet and put it there. And I've heard that so much, but it's not as easy as it is.

Well, it's like Sean, you know, talked about a few weeks ago. It's how she thought that she had given it up, but he reminded her that

she did not. Like he had tried to take it a long time ago, and she's the one that kept reaching out trying to get it back.

Yeah. And it's just it's not as easy as people say to submit. Now, once you've probably done it for a majority of your life, maybe it gets easier. But for me, it it has not been easy to submit a lot of things to God because I want it. I have my fleshly desire. I have my human cravings. And the big difference is I don't want that more than God.

So, I have to remind myself I do want to submit this to him. And it's a continual act

because we are called to pick up our cross daily and walk. And that doesn't look easy.

Jesus needed help.

Yeah.

When he picked up his own cross, he could have walked by himself, but there was a reason that he had somebody else.

And so I think that's a representation that when we pick up our cross, we need him.

Because we can't do it ourselves. And so I just think that it's not for me at least in this season is not easy to submit. I am, but it I keep dropping that cross at times and I do need help picking it up. And my issue is when I try and submit, I try and do it alone without him helping me pick up that cross back. And that's where more pain comes. So I know I went down an analogy. Oh, I mean it's um it's hard being a stubborn person that wants to do things on your own because like you said, we have to make a choice every day

to put him first and people need to remember that we are human. We will stumble. We will make mistakes and that is okay. Yep.

Tomorrow, wake up and start over.

Yeah.

And choose him again.

Getting Back Up When You're Knocked Down

Yeah. I think the the hardest thing is when you are giving something to God and then you are in a struggling season and you fall and whatever that fall looks like for you, but you fall. And being able to get back up and keep going is very important. When I was in boxing, you have the Rocky quote where it's, you know, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees if you let it. And he was pretty much talking about when you fall, you need to get back up and keep going because life doesn't just stop. And I see that in a spiritual sense is when when the enemy is trying to break you down, you can't stay there because he's still moving and so is God. And he's the enemy is not going to stop until you're crumbled. And Jesus is not going to let that happen.

So the closer the enemy can get you to where he wants you, his sweet spot, the harder it's going to be to get back up. But you have to. And the way that we're able to is by the power of the Holy Spirit. At least that's what I believe.

And so when I'm in a season right now where I'm like, Lord, I'm being knocked down. I'm being hit left and right with the the enemy's haymakers. Like it's just I'm tired.

Like just

Is that a boxing term?

No. Just like it punch you right in the face. Completely knock you out.

Never heard that. [laughter] It just I'm being thrown all of these things, all of these mental ideas, all these mental battles, and it's I'm tired.

Yeah.

And you know, I have to tell myself, the Lord is dwelling through me because he is living water. He is able to rehydrate me. He's able to get me back up, get me in a good condition. Um, you know, he is mana. He is the eternal bread. And so he gives me what I need to keep going. He gives me the stability to get back up and walk. And it's just really hard when it's not necessarily someone else that is triggering or putting you in a spiritual battle, but it's yourself. And and I think like we said earlier, we have to keep reminding ourselves. I think it helps to remind yourself like the devil's not going to attack anything that's not worth attacking.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And like if he is coming at you, it kind of helps you to know that you're on the right path.

Talking About Depression

Yeah. But we had talked about a little bit about u dealing with depression earlier and I don't think we've ever really hit on that here

but I know it is something especially for women especially you know after you've had a child and all the hormones and everything else and it comes with aging and it's a real [snorts] thing and it's hard and I don't deal with it as much anymore but I went through a season where it's just like every it really felt like it was a Monday thing.

Yeah.

And my therapist and I had discussed it's it's following Sunday, you know, are what are you experiencing on Sunday? And then you're falling on Monday. But it was just like repetitive every time Monday would hit. And I just felt like

I wanted to crawl under something and cover my head and

not come out.

Yeah. And I don't think, you know, our episode, I don't know when this is going to line up, but a few weeks ago is about I'm fine when you're really not. And being authentic. And I think as women, we have to be able to reach out to friends and say, "Hey, I'm not okay. I'm really struggling and I need you and I can't do this alone. Because that is one thing for me especially. I am very stubborn and I think that I can do everything on my own

and I think I have enough strength for me and everybody else but sometimes I get really tired.

Yeah.

And I think this is what you've kind of been experiencing too. Yeah. and our brains just are nonstop and there is that mental tiredness as well that I don't think anybody really talks about.

Yeah, I I totally get that. um you know I just to share a little bit about I guess what prior to what I'm experiencing now but um from I think a few years before CO to right around CO after all around the five year around CO I lost four grandparents in five years back to back every time in fall and winter. So anytime after, you know, with one of them passing and even after they all passed, every fall and winter, I struggle because my body learned that that was a habit was to start hiding in my shell and coping that something was going to happen. And so I got diagnosed with severe seasonal depression and it still can hit. It's different now because I've, you know, my parent my grandparents did pass so long ago that it still hurts, but it's a different type of hurt. It's, it's not one that brings me to my knees anymore. It's more so just the memory and it's sultry, sweet, whatever. But, you know, that doesn't take away from the fact that I've experienced depression. And now it has moved from fall to winter to where I'm at right now. And those I would say were eventwise. They were caused by something that was traumatic. This is more so a mental um mental climb in depression where it's not necessarily caused by anything I've seen or any physical uh physical encounter. More so just my own mind. And um it's one that I can't get out of my thoughts. It's one that it seems obsessive, but it's more so how consistent it's happening. And like you were saying the noise and the noise is myself and also the enemy.

Do you feel like you uh spiral in your mind a lot?

Yes.

Yeah.

I have to calm down.

Yeah. Um, and recently I've been very emotional. I break down a lot. I get very stressed out fast. I get very irritable. And so for me, I know that that's when I'm spiraling.

And I've gotten to a point where I've had enough breakdowns in one month to where I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally fatigued. I'm tired. I don't know how much more I have left in me to punch to fight. And you know, I'm having I'm having a battle with God of him allowing this, allowing certain thoughts, allowing pain with my condition. And it's consistent and it's not taking a break. And I know that what I've gone through in the past, I survived for a reason. And I got out of that. I went through that for a reason. And I guess it's hard for me now because I see how much I've gone through. And I know testimonies are never ending.

But it's hard for me to look at what I've already gone through and say, "Why am I still going through such a hard time?" And it's it's hard because I see other people and I compare sometimes of, "Oh, well, they have this. It's so much worse than I have." and I kind of diminish where I'm at. But in reality, it is something I am selfish about is I've gone through all of this. Why am I still like this? Why am I still in physical pain? Why am I still having these mental torment battles? And it alters how I perceive my purpose. It alters how I have my relationship with God right now. It alters how I view myself, how I communicate. It's just all right now is very different. My whole life right now is very altered [sighs] and it's hard and you know I do believe what is in the dark if you speak about it it will come to light and I think that's the importance of having these um these battles is speaking about it but you feel very alone and I think it's good to talk about this on the podcast because I do think there are people that have been there or are there now and this isn't my first rodeo with depression. Um, so I know how it can impact me. But when you go through things where you feel like you're not enough or you feel like spiritually God's not there for you, you have to see through that and have a purpose to see through that and find a reason to keep going. And I just think that that's where I'm at right now. So I'm going to read real quick uh 2 Corinthians 12. See this [laughter] 2 Corinthians 12 7-10. For because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from being becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For I am weak. For when I am weak, then I am strong. So, I just wanted to read that real quick because I think it paints a good picture of kind of what we're talking about.

Chronic Illness and Unanswered Prayers

Yeah. And we were discussing earlier in the chosen and it's not in the Bible, but this scene where Jesus is talking to little James and they're talking about healing his leg and he's explaining him why he didn't heal his leg.

Yeah.

And it's to kind of show others that he is faithful even though he has is dealing with this issue. Yeah, I remember watching that and I cried cuz I related. I do still relate so much. You know, it's

you see people healed from their conditions or cancer or whatever it may be. And you know that the power of God is alive and real. But it's different when you have to go through something and he won't heal it. Yeah. And you still have to be you choose to be with God. It is very hard

and that is something I have struggled with a lot. There has been anger with my relationship with God. You know with what I have not a lot of people know about it and it's not one thing that I go around and share with the whole world but I guess I am now. [sighs and gasps] You know, I spent nine months undiagnosed and having emergency doctors um tell me that I didn't have what I had and that they didn't know about it and it wasn't real. It wasn't a real condition and advocating after advocating for myself in a constant flare uh without any procedures or anything done. And I got to the point where I was on my knees waiting for my mom to get me from to take me to the ER cuz I was in so much pain. And I just remember being on the ground crying and saying, "Why do I have to go through this? I don't want to be here if this is how the rest of my life is going to be." And I chose to continue to keep going. And I got the diagnosis. I got confirmed on what I knew I had. And I started procedures. And it's been three or four years now since I've had I got diagnosed. And I'm still in pain. And it's it's less than initial from the initial beginning, but I'm still in pain. And I don't like to sit on it, but hearing doctors say that there is no cure. There's no exact reason you got it. There's no exact reason how to get rid of it. And hearing people say God's going to heal it and just pray for it to be healed. It is so hard to I initially believed that but just believing that he's gonna heal it is not something I continue to believe anymore because there is also a part of me that says you know what if this is what I'm supposed to live with for someone else to understand or un you know if they have something and you're just supposed to advocate for it or advocate for others that have chronic conditions I'm I'm able to do that. I'm open to do that and I've gotten to that place, but it affects you. And that is part of my struggle right now, too. And the altering of my purpose is, you know, it affects my relationships. It affects how I view myself. It affects my relationship with God because he is not, he has not healed it. and he could, but I don't live my life expecting that he will.

And I think that's something that I got to see in the chosen is little James had doubt when he saw other he saw Jesus healing other people from their stuff. [snorts] He had some doubt. That's why he asked him, "Why won't you heal me yet? Why haven't you?" [sighs] And you know he Jesus you could tell cares about him enough to feel sorry for him feel the emotion but there was a reason he hadn't and I'm too he didn't ask.

Yeah

I think because he didn't want to feel selfish and asking and I think that's what some people do too. But like in your situation, the hard part is like he could still heal you

and give you a testimony. Yeah.

And you don't

know that yet. Like you don't know why he's doing all of this,

but it's not for nothing. Yeah.

Like I know we always talk about and one of the biggest things for me is

he leaves nothing on the table. Nothing is wasted. Everything you go through, he's gonna use for some sort of purpose. And you might not see it yet. And that sucks. And that's why we're here talking about this. Yeah.

Because we don't want you to feel like everything is rainbow and roses all the time. Especially for us, because we know just as well as you do that that is not real life.

Yeah. And he never said once you get saved your life is going to be a fairy tale. That is not it. I mean we have missionaries that give their life trying to save people overseas for the Lord. Their glory is in heaven.

Yeah.

Life Isn't a Fairy Tale

And we have been this is totally going off topic. We have been talking about heaven in my household lately

because, you know, you start to have those conversations about death with your kids. And my youngest was like, "I don't want to die. I don't want to die." I'm like, "What are you talking about? Like, you're not going to die. Where does this come from?" And he's like, "Well, I just don't want to die." And then my husband pulls out a picture of heaven or what we think heaven would look like. and he shows it to him and he's like, "You're not going to die until you're a very old man, first of all."

Yeah.

But second off, when you do die, if you know the Lord and ask him into your heart, this is where you will be. And he's like, "Oh, okay."

Then it just stops the conversation.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I know that was rabbit trail, but

life is hard. Life is weird. We all go through stuff. We don't understand it. And that's that.

Yeah. I No one ever in the Bible said that this walk was going to be easy. Rather, it's going to be one that's narrow. The path is going to be narrow because people have to choose whether they're going to go through pain and still be with God or they're going to go through pain and turn the other cheek.

[sighs]

So, I don't want to sit in a in a whole video acting, you know, or feeling like I'm just negative Nancy over here, but this is reality for I believe a lot of people. They get in this place where they're in a lot of spiritual pain and they don't share it and they don't want to be vulnerable enough to say, "Hey, I walk with God, but I also am human and I do have conditions. I do have diagnosis. I do have stuff. And I think a lot of people like to say, "Well, Jesus can heal you of mental depression. He is the the band. He is the medicine for it all." And while I do believe he can, there is also a walk that you have to go through that sometimes he will heal it and sometimes he won't. And I think there is stuff that you learn along the way.

Yeah. Well, a lot of times you have to help yourself too. Yeah. Yeah, like you have to put in the effort as well.

Yeah.

I think a lot of people don't think that that is the case,

but that's what I believe.

Yeah.

Keeping Your Eyes on Him

And I just am in this season where I don't know where I'm called. I don't know who I'm going to be. You know, when I was like 15, 16, I was so worried about what I would look like or where I was going to be when I was like 25. And that's only a few years away from me. And I still don't. And I've gone through my fair share of being agitated with God about that, having anxiety that I don't know. And at the end of the day, I do know that there's a reason he's not showing me it all. I think there's a reason he doesn't let me see the full next page, and he's wanting me to stay on one so I can read everything from that page and retain it. Um, but it can be hard.

Yeah.

So, you know, I I do believe God has a purpose for everybody. And people go through seasons of hardship for a reason. Um, right now it's just one that I'm in that is tough to navigate.

Yeah.

So, well, you might hit your calling when you're 20. You might get your calling when you're 40. Yeah.

But don't compare your walk to other people's walks because they are not the same. They are never going to be the same. So you need to focus. And one thing I keep telling myself over and over again is keep your eyes on him and it will be okay. Just keep your eyes on him. And I think that's what we all need to tell ourselves. We need to stop looking to the left and the right because remember Peter when he was walking on the water, he started looking away and he started to sink. And that's why we have to focus on him because he's the only one that's going to get us through it. He's the one with the ultimate plan, not us.

Yeah. I think something important that I have here, this is Galatians 5:22. It says, "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance." I think I'm saying that right. Kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. One thing that my therapist will always tell me is go into go into scripture and if it's the opposite of what scripture says, then it's probably from the enemy.

Um, at least relating to this. So, like if I'm right now not having joy or peace or I don't feel like I'm in self-control. That's usually because either I'm vulnerable or the enemy is just attacking me. I'm in a hard place. And so keeping my eyes on God, I'll be able to get back where I'm feeling like the fruit of the spirit. All of those is my dayto-day. But right now, I'm in a place where I can't really see the fruit.

I only see how big the tree is.

I only see the bark. I only see I don't see the roots. I don't see the fruit. It's not ready yet.

And I know that there will be a season when it will be ready. when I will be able to see how big the tree is and the roots come off the ground and I'm like, man, that's a pretty sturdy tree and there's a lot of fruit and it's total abundance. But right now, I'm in a place where I'm having a hard time creating my own fruit and I have a hard time seeing the fruit of the spirit and God. And so, keeping your eyes on him is very important. And like we were saying with Peter, he had fear, he had doubt, and that's what I'm going through right now. And the enemy uses that tactic all the time to take you away and make the fruit not taste good. But when you keep your eyes on God, even if you're angry, even if you're upset, still saying, "I choose you," is so important.

Yeah. So, yeah. Well, we hoped you enjoyed this real raw episode. Um, and I just want to remind you that when you are walking through a difficult season to pay attention to the little things because even though he may be working behind the scenes, he's going to leave you little breadcrumbs along the way. He's going to put people in your life that can lift you up. So, just pay attention and hold on to those small things until you come out the other side. We'll see you next time. Bye, guys.

Closing Prayer

Lord, we ask you now to be with those that are struggling with depression. This is something that a lot of people deal with, especially a lot of women. Lord, we ask for those dealing with this that you would show them a glimpse of your love. Leave them a breadcrumb. Help them to feel seen. Let them know that you are still there even though they feel so alone right now. Lord, we pray for your guidance to get out of the valley that they're in. We pray for people put in their path to help guide them as well. Lord, let them know that there is a way out of this and that they have a purpose and that life is not over, that there are better things in the future. We just ask that you be with them as they walk out this week. Thank you, Lord, for everything that you do. Amen.

Outro

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