When God Rewrites the Ending | Alex Murphy

Welcome back to the Beauty and Burnt Toast. If this is your first time joining us, we're so glad you're here. Today, we're sitting down with someone from our church family, Alex Murphy.

This is actually the first time that she'll be sharing her testimony publicly, and that is such an honor that she's here with us doing that.

We don't know exactly where today's conversation is going to lead, but we know God has been faithful in her life, and we're excited for you to hear how he has met her in some of her darkest moments.

Alex, thank you so much for being here and willing to share your story with us today. Tell us a little bit about who you are to start. Um, so I'm 52. Um, and I'm married. a mom to two, a grandmother to three.

Um, and the reason I I just want to state this, um, that the main reason that I'm wanting to share my story because it's got some ugly chapters, some really ugly chapters. Um, but God is faithful.

Um, and just I just want people to understand that that there's no problem that is too big.

Um, if you're going through marital problems, if you're having um you're in a same-sex relationship, if you've got addiction uh problems, if you've got um grief uh and you're you know grieving someone that you lost, if someone oded with you, if uh I mean there the the possib the things are endless because we are um sinners.

Yeah. And we do that well. That's the one thing we do well. Yeah. And so I just um I just want people to know that that me sharing this story, I'm not trying to glorify any of the things that I did in my past.

I made some terrible choices and decisions, but grateful for God's radical grace. I just want to start out by saying like I need to add this.

Like Alex and her husband Chad are like those people that I feel like if you walk into church in Sunday morning and they're not there doing something, serving in some way, then you think something's wrong. I always look at the prayer team and I'm like, where are they? Yeah.

It's like last Sunday, you know, I was like I asked Chad, I was like, where's Alex? And he said, you've been struggling with migraine. But I feel like I always know when when one of y'all is is not there because you're always there serving. Yes. Yes.

And it's that is our favorite thing to do together is to serve. Uh it started early in our relationship and it so that was kind of a building block that we built on. And how long have y'all been married now? We've been married um 18 months. Okay. Oh, that's great.

For some reason, it seems like it's been longer than that. It feels like it at times, but at times it feels like yesterday. Yeah.

Life Before the Addiction

So, well, if you can share a little bit about before, you know, your you started to get into those dark moments with addiction, kind of share what your life was like before, what led up to that and, you know, kind of how you got involved with that lifestyle. Yes.

I've I've got a few notes because Yeah, you're good. This is a a journey for me. and and um when Jade asked me to be on the podcast, I did not realize how much I had suppressed and I really had to dig some some facts out.

Um, of course, I know the big things that I that I did, but um you just you deal with it the best way you can, right? And um it it took me digging deep for some of this information, but my my life uh as a child was was good. Um my parents were were married. We were not rich.

We were not poor. Um you know, I had pretty much anything. Well, I did have anything I needed and a lot of what I wanted. Um times were not were were not hard.

Um, as a as a person in high school, uh, I was bullied a little bit, maybe a couple times, but that was not something that I struggled with at all. Um, I was very involved. I could have made much better grades than I did, but my social life was way too important.

That's probably one of my biggest regrets. Um then I um after graduation I started going to Calhoun. Um and I was just going for a general educa. I wasn't sure. I thought I wanted a psychology degree but I wasn't 100% sure.

So I just started you know general education and um my parents started going through a divorce. They had been married 19 years. How old were you? I was 19. Okay. And um for the first time in my life, I did not have anyone holding I mean they were pretty strict on me growing up.

Freedom, and a Fast Marriage

I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. Um no drugs of course. Um just a a pretty wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't what you would call a party girl. Um well now I had freedom and I was taking full advantage of that. I was drinking a lot.

I was hanging out a lot. Um was h um just just making bad choices. Um I ended up pregnant and um I was 19 and I I can't say um there wasn't a lot of love. It was a fairly new relationship. Um, I think that's the first time I ever really disappointed my dad.

And, um, at first I was like, we don't have to be together. This was, this is back in the 90s, so it's a lot different than it is now. Um, and I was just ready to break up, honestly. And, uh, he he wanted us to get married. And my grandmother talked to me.

My grandmother was everything to me. Um, and she she talked to me and she was like, "Look, just be his friend. If nothing else, y'all need to be friends." So, we started building, that's when we started really building a little bit of a relationship. And we moved in together.

And after my son was born and he was four months old, um, my dad was like, "It's time to get married." Um he was just really funny about appearances. Were your parents believers? Like did they My mom was a believer. My dad was not. Okay. Did you go to church? Sorry.

No, you're good. Um my childhood I was put on a church bus. Oh. I went I lived uh in Mason Acres in Hartzell. Okay. And there was uh West Hartsville Baptist was right there and there was a church. Now I love the church bus.

I loved singing Father Abraham and and all the songs and I loved people. Yeah. Um so I I liked um if we sang in the choir uh if we had a program both of them would come but that was pretty much it. Gotcha. So this was not a Christian value issue. This was my daughter's pregnant.

I'm embarrassed. It was an image. It was an image. It was was um so we got married when my son was four months old and that we got married for all the wrong reasons.

We would not have gotten married had I not had a baby and um I don't think he can really say he would have married me either. Um we were married 16 years. Wow. Wow. We were married a long time. Um there it was. Um there were happy moments.

Um we were never uh a couple that you want to be. We were never in tune. We did not have the same values. We did not believe in raising kids the same way. Uh there was a lot of problems.

Um, I actually was coming to church at, you know, Day Star used to be New Covenant and I was I was bringing Tanner to that church when he was about three, four, five.

Um, and and my ex-husband, he just he he said, "I was made to go as a child and I will not be made to go." Would you have ever thought then when you were going there that you would be there now and things would look the way that they do now? Oh, I couldn't have possibly imagined.

Wow. Like a full circle. It is. It really is. And it's a It makes me feel good. Yeah. So, uh, like I said, we were just pretty much roommates.

A Marriage of Roommates, and the First Pills

Um, at night when we'd get in from work, I would stay in the bedroom and watch TV and do the chores, you know, and and he was watching TV in the living room. It just wasn't a very close relationship at all. Um, I was diagnosed with migraines in my early 20s.

It's something that my mom and my grandmother had both had. So, you pretty much always dealt with that then? Yeah, I had my first one when I was 15. I was at an outball game with my dad. Um, back in the 90s they gave opiates.

They did not have all of the the things that they have now that are that are um non-narcotic, not controlled substances. Their first line of defense was uh lore tabs. That's what it was then. So, um I remember taking the the first lure tab and I about just itched my nose off.

It made my nose itch and I was like, I do not understand for the life of me how anyone could get addicted to these. And one thing that I always said and um I stand firm on is the pain pills never eliminated my headaches.

It's just during that time you didn't really care that you had a headache. Uh it made it less. Usually after the medicine wore off it it might be worse. Yeah. honestly. And so I think that's what happens. Um you you reach for another pill and um I quickly um had a problem.

It started slow, but it it was there. You can have an addiction taking three a day. Yeah. Because if you don't take those three, you're sick. Yeah. You don't feel well.

Your body is literally screaming, "Hey, where's my medicine?" M you know so it's not necessarily that you're getting high from them uh but your body has a physiology physiological need for it. So they never attempted to try anything else.

Uh not at that time um just coming out um and it was only in shot form and it was very expensive like ridiculously expensive because it was not generic. Yeah. And um I would get samples from from the neurologist. Uh but when when those ran out, you know. Yeah.

You're just I I tell you, I spent a lot of time in the ERs. Uh if if I had one that I couldn't get rid of, you would go to the ER, they would give you a shot, a pain shot. It was delotted. It was morphine. It was uh it was a lot. and um you know he would go home and sleep it off.

Checking Into Rehab

So that was kind of my life. Yeah. Um it was it was not fun. I ended up um checking myself into Bradford in 2003. Um my ex-husband was actually kind of mad at me. He said, "You don't have a problem." I was like, "Dude, I can't quit taking these.

It's a problem if I can't quit." Yeah. Um I understood when I got there kind of what he was saying at that time I was taking about seven a day. Wow. Um there were people there taking 35 a day. Okay. Mine was um different.

Um but it's still just as controlling and it's still just as bad. You plan your activities around let me see if I've got enough medicine, you know. If I'm doing something next week, I I got to make sure I got enough. Yeah. you know. So, it was just um it was just a bad situation.

Um I was only there for a week, maybe 10 days. They detoxed me and I I was like, "Okay, I'm not taking these to get high. I'm taking them, you know, I was taking them for my migraines." So, um I I was kind of in denial about the stronghold that it had on me.

Um, but anyway, I left as soon as I could, right? I was not willing to do the work at all and I was I was having migraines in there and they were like, "We can't treat you." So, it was kind of a it was a sticky situation. Yeah.

Because you needed help and nobody was giving you the help that you needed. Nobody was giving me the help I needed. So, um, I left there after about 10 days, but I didn't have the pill addiction. I was clean. I was cleanminded.

A Season of Happiness

um got pregnant with my daughter and just shortly thereafter and she came and you know I already had a son and now I had a daughter and life was it was a good it was probably the happiest we were right after she was born.

um wasn't perfect by any stretch of the of the imagination, but um we felt like a family unit and she it felt like she completed our family. Yeah. And it it was it was good. Um, I did one time in the middle of the night.

I was in the kitchen and um u Mike's husband's phone dinged and I was like, "Who in the world is that?" His phone, he was charging it in the dining room. He was asleep.

Betrayal

I was like, "This might be important." You know, it's like 2:00 in the morning and I go over and it's from a woman.

and it had her name and it said, "I was just making sure you're coming over again tomorrow to have lunch with me." And um that that just about broke me because it doesn't really even matter if it just feels like betrayal regardless of of the state, right?

And um of course he denied anything and it did not get resolved. We weren't a couple that talked about things. We weren't a couple that resolved things. Not a lot of communication. Not a lot of communication.

An Affair

It was more going dayto day, taking care of the kids, paying the bills, you know, just doing the things you're supposed to do. And uh that was rough. That was rough for me. And uh that that felt, you know, a lot like betrayal. Um I also ended up having an affair.

I think part of it was I'll hurt him like he hurt me, which is is very immature and not something I recommend for anyone to ever do because uh affairs I think they cause the most pain that you can really cause someone. Um my affair was with another woman.

Um thought that might hurt a little more, I think. No. Um, honestly, I was so um I needed to feel loved so bad and I was just I had cosigned the fact that I was not going to have a great love. Yeah. Okay. Well, someone started showing me some attention.

I had never in my entire life felt any kind of uh attraction Yeah. to another woman. I had never looked at another woman and felt anything. Um, it didn't even matter at this point. It was just someone that that saw me and someone that that liked to make me laugh. Yeah.

And someone that liked to talk. Yeah. So, um, I wasn't real good about hiding it. I didn't care at that point. I I realized that the marriage was was over. and I wasn't trying to to hide it.

And I remember both of my parents uh sitting me down and just being like just be discreet. Yeah. And that blows my mind. Um that that was their advice. Well, it's kind of like you said, like your dad, it's just all about how it looked on the the outside, you know. Yes. Yeah.

So, how long between getting that message for your husband and yours? It was about a year. Okay. Did anything else happen with him after that text message? I didn't I didn't even try to to find out. Uh it it amazes me. So, y'all just kind of let it go. Went unresolved.

An Ugly Divorce

Yeah, it 100% went unresolved. It's kind of sad. Um it's kind of sad. But anyway, I had uh filed for a divorce. I was, you know, just over and done with that marriage. And it was probably one of the ugliest divorces that you can possibly imagine. This was uh early 2000s.

Uh so it's different time than now. He had put a tracking device on my minivan and wherever I showed up, he was calling people. Um, anytime I went anywhere, people there were two men. I was going to see one of them. They were following me.

Um, it it was just a really, it was a bad situation. And I was honestly scared that he was going to end up getting physical with me. Yeah. Because he had scared me a couple of times just by like shoving me. And looking back, that that was actually abuse.

But at the time I didn't think that it was. So I went I took my daughter and we went and lived with my mom and um I filed for divorce and it was it was ugly. Uh he also uh sat outside um where I lived. I ended up moving to the lake with the lady.

We had a place and he was across the lake with a high-powered camera taking pictures and he took those pictures to the ballpark. My son was 10. He took those pictures to the ballpark and handed them out of she and I kissing. Um so just people. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Just random, you know. He he knew a lot of people. Tanner played played ball. Well, but what what do you think that was for him? Um was it to have him be in the good light with the divorce? I think possibly. Also, it was look what Alex has done. Look at what she's doing.

Uh he wanted he he contacted my best friends and wanted them to turn on me. And they were like, look, I don't One of my best friend was like, I don't care if she loves a chicken. She's my friend. Yeah. And I love her.

And um you know, he just wanted to cause you as much pain as possible. Yes. It was it was a terrible look, I I do not stand by that choice that I made. Um, it changed me forever. I would never do that to to anyone. I'm talking about just having an affair.

Um, I'm not talking about, you know, the way I did it. Yeah. It was really confusing. Yeah. But it it was just a really really bad situation. Um, but that relationship fizzled out pretty quick. What do you remember feeling like being in that uh relationship like emotionally?

I think uh I felt heard. I felt seen. But you wouldn't describe it as as love at all. No. Just somebody paying attention to you pretty much. Yeah. At the time I thought at the time I thought this is what's been wrong with me for 15 years. Yeah. I'm gay. Yeah.

you know, um, how did I miss this? I mean, I I really signed up. I was ready to be the poster girl, you know, and and that was making my father very unhappy. He was not happy about that at all.

A Whirlwind Second Marriage

Um, so anyway, that that we ended up breaking up and um just a few months after we broke up, I had moved back in with my mom and uh just a few months after we broke up, uh someone reached out to me from junior high school and he lived um in Arkansas. He was working there.

Um, but he asked me out and I was in a place where yeah, let's let's go hang out, you know, and I ended up marrying him six months later. And it's it might be the worst choice of my entire life. All very quick. It was very quick. Um, he did not live here.

I thought I knew him uh very early on in the marriage. He ended up moving to Alabama a couple of months after we got married. Very um the most volatile relationship I've ever been in in my entire life.

Abuse Behind Closed Doors

Abuse um physical abuse, but honestly the emotional um and mental abuse um way uh way worse to deal with. Um there were drugs involved. Um, he had a nasty cocaine problem. Didn't realize just how bad that was until it was too late. How did the abuse start?

I mean, y'all got married very quickly. So, how did you start to see that progress? It just started with uh, you know, he would get upset about something.

He was I do not throw this term around loosely because it is overused to the nth degree, but if there was ever a narcissist, he was a narcissist. Um any any holiday, um you could just hang it up. The the holiday would be ruined.

Um and and he had a way of turning it like he's going to do something. He's going to poke and prod you and then you react and he's like, "Hey y'all, look at this crazy." Yep. Yep. Um and I mean gaslighting. Um told me that my mother didn't love me.

Um ju just I've always been really close with my mom. Extremely close at times probably too close. But that is the one person that never gave up on me, never judged me for anything and always loved me and was always there. And that's just the the truth of the matter.

So it was just belittlement. It was just a greeting you. Um it was total degradation. Uh he ended up we were on again, off again.

we were split as much as we were together and he ended up moving back to Arkansas, but then he would come in for visits and he ended up doing some things that were um something that you don't ever want to forgive for.

He he reached out to my ex-husband and and and caused some problems with me seeing my daughter. And you can't you can't reverse that, right? Um, and they were they were lies. Uh, just evil. Evil in every sense of the word. And u that that tore me down.

So um anyway, how long were you in that marriage? I was in that marriage seven years. Okay. A long time. It is a very long time. Um it was on it was by the end of the first year I was like this is not going to going to last. But one thing you try harder on your second marriage.

You don't want to be a failure at this one too, right? Um it just seems like I let things go. He was a cheater. Um he was a bell bondsman here in Decator. And if ladies didn't have money, he took all kinds of payment. Oh my gosh. So there there were um there were a lot of things.

It was terrible. So you think you stuck with it so long because you just felt like you didn't want to fail another marriage? Is that pretty much the only reason you put up with it for so long? Um in the very beginning I thought I loved him. Yeah.

Um and then um he had a slick tongue. Yeah. Um that's the one thing they're really good about. Uh I'm so sorry. I will change. I've never loved anyone like I loved you. Gosh.

Um my mom when I would leave because I would go stay with him in Arkansas sometimes when I would pull out of the driveway, she would just sit there and cry. She was afraid that I was going to end up being killed honestly. and and it wasn't far-fetched. So, it it was it was ugly.

Her Sister's Addiction and Overdose

It was brutal. It was bad. Um and I was I was living at my mom's. Um my younger sister there six years uh between us. Um she had struggled with addiction, struggled hard, started off as pain pills also. Not sure how she got started.

I don't really know her story on that, but she went she went all the way. She took it all the way and um she was in heroin and we knew it. Um we were trying to do um trying to control things the best we could. Um damage control.

Uh we were totally enabling and did not know it at the time. And this is before Narcan was was out. um she hated that she did it. She did, but she couldn't quit. Um the times that she had tried, she was terribly sick and she just couldn't overcome it.

She would end up seeing a friend and and and getting her fixed. How old was she at the time she was going through all this? She was 35. She was 35. So, I had taken her to uh run some errands in Decar and um I got her back in the car. We She had been at her boyfriend's house.

I got her back in the car and uh I knew she was high. There was no doubt about it. She was just really, you know, and u I'm starting to drive back to Hartzil and she kind of slumps over in the car. She's got her head down. Well, it's nodding out. That's what Yeah. Yeah, they do.

I've seen her do it before. Um it's not my favorite scene, but it's just like just get home. Yeah. Um I wanted Mom was my support person. I just wanted to get home. Yeah. Um but I stopped at a red light and I leaned her back and she was blue.

She had quit breathing and I did not know it. So, I had made the whole trip from, you know, I could have taken her to the ER. Um, but I I didn't realize I I hate how stupid I was. I should have been so much more informed.

Um, so I pulled over and called an ambulance immediately and um, an ambulance came in and narcander and got her breathing and um, took her by ambulance to the hospital and thought that was probably the hardest day of my my life. I felt um, felt a lot of guilt. Yeah.

you know, made a bad decision again. Um, even though my sister and I were really different, you know, you're you just have a closeness with your your siblings and I loved her dearly. And um they determined at the hospital that she was brain dead.

And so, um, it was up to us to turn off the machines and and that was a hard it was a hard time. It was a really hard time. She had, uh, two boys. The oldest is Jackson, but you know, he was 16 at the time. He was very close to his mother.

They, both of her boys loved her endlessly. They they had to have known that there was some problems. Okay. Um, they accepted her. They were proud of her. They loved her. Um, it was a hard time. My mom, I was living with her and she literally couldn't get out of bed.

It was um it was it was uh tragic. Um, and I had so much guilt. So much guilt. I thought that was the worst of it. Uh, I was making people brought food over, you know, and I was making sandwiches and taking mom and just making sure she ate.

A Custody Battle Begins

She had a leave of absence from work obviously. Um, but, um, on my sister's birthday, about a month after that happened, and it was on my sister's birthday, uh, someone knocks at the door and I go to the door and I was served papers.

There was there were ter my ex-husband was terminating my visits with Stella and he was uh alleging um that I was on heroin. Wow. Um he he is that what she initially was taking at the end? Is that what she overdosed on? Uh we think it was laced with fentanyl.

There wasn't even a whole lot of testing done. I think it was more assumed. What year was this? 2016. Okay. It was 10 years ago. Decade ago. Um, so I just I'm like when I get the papers and I realize that that I'm just like I've got to get an attorney.

I had eight hours to go take a drugs drug test and I went and took the drug test and I passed it. Okay. Well, that was just step one. Yeah. Um, there were allegations on this piece of paper that were just not factual.

I I think it's pretty obvious that I'm telling you some really not so proud moments of my life. Um, but so I will admit u because I know God has forgiven me for these things. Um, but there were just flatout lies. And I found out that he had already written to DHR.

He had written them a letter trying to stop visits before the accident, before Brooke had overdosed and they were like, "These reasons are not enough. There's no action that we can take on this." Okay.

Then he wrote the judge a letter and the judge said, "This is not how you you do this. You've got to file something. You can't just write a a letter." Yeah. Um each time they were giving him the formula he needed to get things done. Okay. He just kept building.

He was like, "Okay, that that wasn't enough. Let me add this." I mean, it was absolutely insane. I was serving at Cracker Barrel then, and he had said that I had uh got sent home cuz I was so high. Um, no, that never happened. Said I ended up getting fired.

Uh, no, that it just crazy. So, he continued to do all this even with the the death of your sister. Oh yeah, he used this. He took one of the worst things that I had ever been through and and used it against me. Um, and how old was your daughter at the time? My daughter was 10.

Okay. My daughter was 10. So during that time, uh, I had went and gotten an attorney. Um, I had to pass 12 drug screens. Uh, and it was a color code thing, so it was random. Yeah.

Um but I was missing my daughter so much and um so he agreed to to supervise visitation but the only supervisors he would approve was himself and his wife. Oh lord.

So we were sitting in uh McDonald's Burger King uh park uh inside and that he would be sitting in the next booth listening to everything. It was very invasive. He had uh started recording the phone calls between us. Um and my it just it was outrageous.

Were you divorced from the second husband at this time? I was not. Okay. I was not. And that's actually uh kind of a key to what I'm fixing to tell you. Sorry. So, uh No, it's good. Um so, I had to pass 12 drug screens before anything could happen, right?

Sabotage

Well, I passed 11 and the 12th one. Um, my my second husband came here from Arkansas and uh spent the night and I told you he had a nasty cocaine habit. Y'all, I would not eat a hamburger bun with poppy seeds on it at this time.

I was not doing everything right, but I loved my daughter and I did not want to, you know, I wanted my time back with her. I would have done whatever I could. So, um, anyway, he came and spent the night. The next day, I was called for a drug test.

And I'm writing my, uh, I'm talking to my attorney and I'm like, "Look, I'm fixing to get the results. Um, you know, we're going to be good to go. So, contact his attorney.

I want to see my daughter." And um I called the he said just for safe measure go ahead and and call and make sure your results are good. Okay. I called and I tested positive for cocaine. I had not done cocaine. Um he put cocaine in my drink.

So he knew everything about what was going on. Yes. Yeah. He acted like he was supporting me but like I said he was he was talking to my ex-husband and his wife.

Um, and I mean they were literally building strategy to how to um to make how to make it where Stella would not have a relationship with me anymore. So that stopped any visitation. Um, and I went off the deep end and now I was 100% taking pills to heal the pain. Yeah.

Oh, I never did uh pills uh were my main thing always and I never used a needle or anything like that. Um but you can have a pretty So this is this is the funny part. I told myself that my problem was not that bad cuz my sister had a real problem, right?

I was getting mine from a doctor. I mean, yes, I was buying some from friends and stuff, too, but they were prescribed to me. Um, that's a lie that you tell yourself. It's a lie that the enemy tells you. So, what were you taking at this point? Percoetses.

That was that was my main thing. But I would also any kind of any kind of opiate. Roxy's, morphine pills. Morphine pills were probably my favorite. Um, anything to dull the pain. Anything.

and your husband at the time when you found out that you did have a trace of cocaine in system. Uhhuh. Did y'all have that conversation or Of course.

How did it He was um I'm not trying to be um not trying to tell too much or anything, but he was like, "It can be passed through kissing or or through sex." Yeah. Okay.

And I was I was googling it and it was like, "No, it cannot be." And I I had had that retested and it was a scant amount. I mean it was like a point two from being negative. Wow. It it was extremely small. Yeah. Just Yeah. Um honestly I mean I never knew it that night.

Um and he never admitted it. But there's no other answer for that. Sure. Uh I remember my son uh who's also had some addiction problems. He was like, "Um, mom, just tell the truth." And I was like, "I would tell the truth. I I I have no reason to lie about this.

I will tell you, I've done some bad stuff." But no, I had not done that. I wouldn't do it. And he knew I wouldn't do it. After you failed that test legally, what happened after that? Everything stopped. I I had no rights to her. I had no Just because of that. Yeah.

um he had essentially made his case. We finally, you know, we get over what just happened and he's like, "Come to Arkansas, live with me. I've got you an attorney here. Um let's start over. You You don't have Stella. There's no reason for you to be in Alabama.

You need to be with your husband." And uh dumb. I just I did. I believed him. He did not have me an attorney. And it wasn't long before we were having knockdown dragouts and I ended up coming home with um my pajamas on um and left half my stuff there. I didn't care. Keep it.

So it was it was it was a bad situation. Um I I rocked out. I was I was the most broken I had ever been at that point. um he had beat me down to where I I was I didn't even know who I was. I was so lost.

And then you've got addiction on top of that and that makes you feel unworthy. Anyway, um I had started taking um Suboxin. Suboxin is what they they give you to quit taking um pain pills. Yeah. Very uh I could do a whole podcast on that.

Suboxone and Withdrawal

I have very mixed emotions for that because it does have an opiate in it, but it also has a blocker so you're not getting high from it, but you're just as dependent on it. Took that for about five years. Um, and like they had prescribed me about two strips. I weighed 115 then.

I was very thin and two strips is is a lot. I was taking a quarter of a strip a day. But when I finally decided to quit taking that, I was sick for two weeks. I mean, sick. Could not move. Um because it was just leaving your system.

It was It was even though I had tapered down, like they tell you to taper down. I cut that quarter down into an eighth, that eighth into a 16th, that 16th down into a 32nd. Okay. I tapered down. Yeah. And I was still sick as a dog.

um terrible stomach issues, terrible cramps, couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything. Um had been in a fog with that stuff. Honestly, there was a fog with that. So, um I I did take my ex-husband back to court. Um it was right before COVID hit. Mhm.

And I really did not feel like um it was going to go well for me. Uh Stella had reached out to me and said um I don't want a relationship with you. Um but I felt like she had been influenced. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I mean, I I can't I know she had been influenced and I wasn't really sure what all she had heard, but I knew it wasn't good. So, I was like, "Okay, even if I lose, she I need her to to be able to look back and say, "Mom , mom fault.

She tried." So, that was a really hard thing to go through. Was she allowed to have a relationship with your parents at this? No. So, just total cut off. Um, she was with my dad cuz my dad and his wife had become best friends with my ex-husband and his wife.

They did Christmases together. What about your son? Where was he in and all of this? My son tried to uh my son and I have always uh been close. We've never really had a falling out.

Uh he has some some problems of his own, some addiction, and we don't always see eye to eye, but um he's never abandoned me in any way. And uh he tried, you know, he he mostly had a relationship with his dad, too. Yeah. He was he was 16 when his dad and I divorced.

So he knew more than Stella. Stella was five. So when you went back to court to fight for her, what age was she at then? Then she was 15. Okay, man. It was hard. Um, we went through like a reunification counseling. And the first visit, she stared at the wall. She wouldn't talk.

She did not want to be there. And she thought all of her thoughts, all of her opinions were her own. She still thinks that. She does.

Um it was just it was it was brutal because the judge had ordered the the counseling so she had to go but she sure sure didn't have to make it unpleasant and the it ended up being uh the judge ordered that um I was going to have to take like two more years of color code drug screens and like after 30 days I would get a phone call with her once a week.

Um geez and then after that time expired it it was um very structured and given the fact that he and I do not see eye to eye at all. When she was young um I would call you know to tell her good night and uh it was it was hard to get a hold of her.

Parental Alienation

It's parental alienation is absolutely what it is and that is abuse. Um it's hard to prove they say. I feel like this is pretty pretty evident. Um but yeah, the thing of it is is it starts kind of slow. It was happening all along. Um and you don't know what to do.

Uh what do you do? If you say anything, then you're then you're the the crazy person they've made you out to be.

I remember Stella saying stuff like I would ask her a question and she she said don't ask me about this because when I get home dad's going to ask me what we talked about and I don't want to have to tell you know um just it it was a hard situation for her.

What was the um stepmother relationship? Was it a good relationship? She thinks so now. Um there there was a um a Mother's Day that Stella had used her money and and had them take her to get me something for Mother's Day. This before everything got bad, really bad.

And and her stepmom told her, "Uh, I don't know. It really hurts my feelings. You spend all your money on your mom when I'm the one that's raising you." And that's just one of 500 stories I could tell you. So when did they get married?

They were together uh when we were going through a divorce court. Yeah. Uh they got married at some time after that. Okay. So at what point did you end up getting a divorce from the second husband? Uh 2018. So it was two years after my sister. Okay. My sister passed.

What was that divorce like? um I had to go to Arkansas and um we didn't have anything at that at that point. Anything we had had been sold or given away or lost in a storage unit and um he was like I will take any bills as my own. He had a girlfriend. He just wanted to be done.

Back in Alabama, Back to Church

Yeah. She was she was really young. It's okay. I thought it was a gift. Maybe the best thing he's ever done for me. Yeah. So, um, so you were back in Alabama. I was back in Alabama. Okay. Um, Jackson had gotten gotten in trouble with the law.

He ended up going to Rendle Drummond's Living Free and they went to church at Dayar and I wanted to support him so I was like, let's go to church. And um during that service, I cannot tell you what the message was, but it spoke to my heart.

And during the last song, I remember crying. And uh the pastor told his little spill about getting in a small group. And I had been, you know, like I said, at New Covenant, we had we called them cell groups then. And I knew that that was a way to make friends and relationships.

And Wanda Thompson came over to me after after the the message and she said is I I didn't know her that well. I was not in chorus in high school. I knew she was, of course, but she came over and um said, "It's so good to have you worshiping with with us today.

Please come back." And I said, "I've got to find a sale um um small group." She said, "I've got one Friday mornings." Yeah, my house 8:30 be there. And I was like, "Okay." So, um, I went to that and I was actually one of the younger ladies that was in that group at the time.

These were well seasoned, good Christian ladies and they loved the Lord and they had um they were good to me. They um before I spoke, I would say I'm sorry every time I spoke. And they were like, "Quit saying I'm so I was broken down.

I did not think I had a right to an opinion or a question or or anything. It was just it was not good. Um I did not have a car at the time.

I was living at my mom's and um I wanted to keep going, but I didn't have a ride." and Felicia offered to come and get me every Friday morning and she lived not not near. So this was a total act of love. Um God told her to do this and she did it.

She is a good and faithful servant. She really is. So she came and got me every Friday morning and took me to this small group and she started mentoring me in in a beautiful way and and the other ladies there uh started mentoring me too. Um loving on me, praying for me.

I was um I needed it and they were good. They were good to me. Were you still dealing with addiction at this time or were you out of it? I had quit taking any pain pills back in 2018. Okay, you can't take pain pills in Suboxin. You'll get sick.

So, I had been on uh we're looking at 2023 here. Okay. So, I had been off of pain pills for for quite a while. Yeah. But like I said, um that's where I have some I was still in a cloud with the suboxin even with that small dose and I was throwing up.

The reason I was so small is I was throwing up about 10 times a day. Oh my gosh. So, did they ever tell you how long they wanted you on Suboxin or was it supposed to be like a long term?

Um, you had to go every month and get drug screened for these and they would drug screen to make sure you weren't on anything else and you were on on this and they tested for the metabolite. So, you couldn't just drop Spoxin into your urine. It had to test positive.

um insurance did not cover it. You're paying $150 a month. This was a cash cow. Okay. And then you're paying an you were paying an obscene amount for suboxins. They eventually of course went generic and you could get them pretty cheap.

I actually was on a grant at one one time where I got mine for free. Um but they freely hand those out. They I mean it's the same as opioids. They just will give them like candy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Freedom Group, and a Dark Place

So, um, shortly after I started going to Wanda's, uh, you know, I I knew I wanted to be off of the suboxin. Um, I didn't want to be addicted to anything. I didn't want to be dependent on anything. And I I stopped.

Felicia asked me to join a freedom group and she was co-leading it. It was her first time co-leading. And I was like, "What is freedom?" and she was like, "It's about uh surrendering to God. Um getting rid of your shame, your guilt." That was perfect for what I was going through.

So, um I joined her freedom group and I started going through it and I was really feeling I I was doing the work. I was doing all the work and um felt like it was going well. And um I started spiritual warfare.

Uh the enemy came at me because I was I was signing up for Jesus and um I took 90 volumes and um my mom found me and um I went to the ER and yeah, I I can't explain. I just doubt had entered my mind that um who does who do I think I am? This is not the kind of person I am.

I'm an addict. I've done this this and this and I am not worthy. And if these people found out everything that you have done, they certainly would not be your friend. Um because I had told parts but not not all of my story. Yeah. Um so that was another a dark dark place.

But um Pastor Andrew had just come to our church and he came to the hospital and prayed with me, loved on me, told me that he loved me and um it's something that I don't completely understand. Um it it it just kind of happened.

I just felt unworthy and it's not something I talk about often at all because it's uh I hate that I did that. I do. But I did. But after that, I I kept going to the the freedom and went to the conference. And you know, my biggest thing um I kept trying to hold on to my daughter.

I just wanted to control that situation. And I I had to surrender that. She was not mine. She was always his. That's always that's that's really the point.

Anyway, also the shame and guilt, the soul ties, you know, um like I said, I really did have a lot of guilt about about the affair, even though that had been, you know, years ago. Really felt bad about that. I I would never do that to another person. That was awful.

The God Who Sees Me

About a month after freedom, I was at Wanda's in a small group and um we were studying 30 most powerful names of God. This week it was Elroy, God who sees me. And I I still do not know exactly what happened with that moment.

Feel like sometimes what you have with God is so you can't even comprehend it. Um but the story is in Genesis 16. It's Abraham and Sarah had tried to conceive. They couldn't. He was supposed to be the father of many nations, right? And so his wife said, "Here, here's my slave.

Take her." And she did conceive. Then she treated her like crap. She treated her very poorly. And u there was a lot of animosity and um just bad feelings. So the slave was Hagar. She was an Egyptian uh slave. And she ran into the desert.

And while she was in the desert, uh, God sent an angel to her and he he said, "What are you doing?" And she said, "I'm running away.

This is what's happened." And he said, "Go back home and you're going to have a boy and he is going to have uh many descendants." And she named him Elroy because regardless of her circumstances, he was the God who sees her.

And I just had uh Chris Noco was doing the study and I just had a moment and I couldn't sit still. I said I just I just had a moment.

Well, Chris was still doing the study and she said, "I'm going to circle back around." And she came back to me and she was like, "What what is going on? Tell tell us what you can." Yeah. And I said, "I started coming here.

I started um coming to church, coming to small group because I wanted to be the best the best version of myself when my daughter comes back into my life. I've just realized that God is going to restore that. It may not be on this side of heaven.

I do have hope, but um I'm chasing Jesus now. And that's it's not about u being perceived as this or being perceived as that. He has been with me through so many valleys.

He has been through with me through so many things that I shouldn't have survived and he has a purpose for me and I am worthy and I am good. I mean I'm just having all of these these feelings. It was my aha moment. It was a total epiphany.

You know, I heard somebody say on a podcast recently, if you can explain it, it's not God. If you can't explain it, it's God. Yeah. Yeah. It really didn't um I felt seen. Um I have made some choices that were the worst decisions ever, right?

Did I deserve to have my daughter jerked out of my life? I don't feel like so. Um she was never in danger. She was never um took good care of her. Um I've had people ask me what happened. Um did you overdose in front of her? You know, there's not a big story.

Um he just used an opportunity and I gave him opportunity. You know, I gave him ammunition to use against me. I didn't make it right. So, um my walk with Jesus totally changed after that day. Um, I was talking to um a friend that I graduated high school with.

Um, it was a male friend. Uh, he had just been through a bad breakup and and we would talk a couple of times a week for about three or four hours. He lived in Alaska. Um, and when we would hang up, he would say, "How can I pray for you specifically?" And I was like, "What?

Pray for me?" you know, we had talked about deep issues and everything, but he was just a good Christian man and I thought a lot of them. Um, but he lived in Alaska. But, um, it gave me hope that there is some there are some good men out there.

And so, Felicia and I set off praying for for me, a godly man. Um, didn't really ever think it would necessarily ever happen. really I didn't uh I didn't really think I deserved it.

And who is going to want I mean even though I had shed so much I was like God has forgiven me but that don't mean everybody else has and that doesn't mean that they're not going to judge me. What good Christian man is going to be like yeah got to have some of that.

That looks like a hot mess I want part of. So, um yeah, but um I was serving at church uh serving in new here and um saw someone that was new here.

A Familiar Face

Walked over to welcome him and he went in to hug me and I was like, "Okay, I'll give you the Christian hug." Because I, you know, didn't know this person. And as I hugged him, he whispered uh in my ear, "Hey, Alex." And it was Chad Murphy.

And Chad Murphy was my first love when I was 16. Um I cared about him in some kind of way my whole life. You know how the first love goes. And um I knew that he had struggled. I knew that he he was lost in addiction. And he had went off the grid at some point.

And I was like, what in the world does that even mean? But uh means he was living in creeks. But uh he was there. He had gotten to Randles at Living Free and he was there. And um I wasn't sure. I I knew that at least we were going to be good friends.

You know, they have a pretty strict program. The first 45 days you're there. There's not a lot of visits. said the most we would see each other was at church, but I would bring him donuts and just little things and cared about this guy. No way I'd get in a relationship with him.

And um we just kept spending time together and kept spending time together. And he had also been praying when he was on his last legs before he got to to Rendles. Lord, if I if I ever get clean, send me a good woman.

Um, if we had not both been going through our own journeys when we came together, it wouldn't have lasted a week. Um, Chad had a terrible reputation. If he had been clean a few times and always backslid, that is not, you know, I've I've had that kind. That's not the kind I want.

But he was pouring into God. He uh had mentors. Jason Nightton had really taken up with him. Um just seeing transformation.

He w he was seeing and and what I realized uh months later was God brought me the dirtiest man and he cleaned him up right in front of me and I had a front row seat to all of it and it was beautiful. So we just we just you know we were dating.

He was getting ready to leave the program and we found an apartment and we were going to move into the apartment together.

Building a Life Together

We were not married and um we went through 21 days of prayer and both of us had something put on our spirit but neither of of us wanted to say anything because that's a weird thing.

you know, we're 50some years old and we're going to say, "Hey, we don't need to be intimate because we're not married and we surely don't need to move in together." But I talked to my friend Felicia and she was like, "What do you mean you're moving in together?" And I I said, she said, "Are you sleeping together?" Well, yeah.

She was like, "Okay, that's not right." And um we we knew it wasn't. And so we had talked to some friends at church. Wendy and Steven Bumpers. He had just gotten ordained. Um he could marry people. And he had a place in Coleman. It's called God's Farm. He had that place.

He had erected a cross out there at the time. And he was like because we didn't have the money. We were both starting over and he said, "Come get married at the cross." And I was like, "Okay, we'll do that." So we're thinking simple.

That was on a Saturday, last day of 21 days of prayer. Got to church the next morning. Wendy Bumpers, Katie Woodard come running up and they said, "Um, we're giving you a wedding and a reception. Invite whoever you want." I was like, "What?" She was like, "I'm a terrible planner.

It's not a good thing." And she was like, "All you have to do is show up." So, everyone that came to our wedding had a plate of something. Chips or cookies or Zachby's chicken or something. Kim Oampo made a beautiful wedding cake. Um, I mean, everyone had a niche.

Deina Taylor with her decorating, Terry Smith with her food. Um, just all of the things. And I borrowed a dress that fit me pretty perfectly from Chad's aunt. He borrowed a suit from his uncle.

So, we literally had nothing to pay out of pocket except for our wedding bands or wedding rings. And we got those at Walmart at the time. But, um, you want to talk about love?

You show up to a wedding and there's 80 people there that have thrown you a wedding and and loved on you. There were prayer circles everywhere. Everybody was talking. Everybody was praying. Everybody was loving. It was just pure love. Yeah.

I'm just thinking you said you had nothing, but you had everything. I was rich. Rich rich. Yeah. Mhm. I was. When we moved into that apartment, I had a king-size mattress on milk crates. Um people gave us things. We saved money and got things.

Um we have we paid less rent than most people. We do not live in a nice place. We do not have the nicest cars. Um it's a very simple life. We feel like we're millionaires. I'm serious. Yeah. Chad was out of pocket for 20 years. Um 30 in some ways, right? He didn't have anything.

He didn't have a car. Um the only thing that kept me from being in the situation that he was in is my mom. um you know, I had a safe place to land. Um so I was never homeless. Um thank God, but at the same time there it made I didn't hit rock bottom the same way he did.

A Different Kind of Marriage

That was good love. That was very good friends. What difference do you see in your marriage now looking back at your past relationships? Um my first were absent of God. I'm not, you know, not going to church. Um, Chad and I started praying together out loud very early on.

I had been so close to him most of my life. And I say so close, there would be years I didn't see him, but you know, he's he's just got one of those personalities and and I loved him when I was 16. Um, I didn't embarrass easily around him.

So we started praying together out loud very early on. Uh we kept God at the first and he he was the center. And look um he still had a little bit of a temper then and I have a mouth that you know um if we did not have God we wouldn't have made it a month honestly.

and and there were still, you know, there were some hurdles to get over, but I think because we were very open to call ourselves out, we would seek counsel from from our mentors and we would realize that a lot of the times what we were getting hit with maybe we hadn't prayed together in a day, you know, and and we felt like we were getting hit by the enemy.

Uh he was attacking. he saw a a place to get a foothold. Um, normally people don't want you to uh two addicts to be together, but I think in our case um it's good because there's never we both stand firm on the no alcohol in our place there. You know, it's not okay to smoke weed.

Well, you're just not you're not that anymore. No, we're not. And and you know what? I hate to even call myself a recovering addict. God has delivered both of us 100%. The chances of I I really hate to even say that, but we just do not feel like it's a problem.

And now Chad's up on stages. Chad preaching the word. You know, Chad will talk to anybody that will listen. Yeah. I'm not as big of a sharer as as he is. Well, you say that, but you're here right now. I am. Um, you know, that's how I know.

Um, I did not after I said yes, I was I was not really digging it and I was like, "Okay, this is an obedience thing. I've got to be obedient.

There is some reason that I need to share my story and there is somebody that needs to hear it." And uh that is another thing that Chad has really helped me with um is is just stepping out in faith and being obedient to that. And it's not always easy for me.

I remember we were we were at church early early on in our relationship and he was like, "I want to go up to the altar and pray." It was like during a second worship song. I was like, "It's up.

We do that at the end." He's like, "Alex, if I want to go pray, I go pray." He was like, "Come on." I was like, "No." But now, um, so it took me a little bit to, uh, learn how, you know, I prayed for a godly man. Prayed for someone to lead me. He leads me. Um, he leads me.

Um, we have a lot of time with my grandkids. They are the absolute joy of our lives. I think a lot of it is things that we missed with our own kids. Yeah.

And so spending time with them is just, you know, when you when you have your grandkids and they resemble your kids, oh gosh, it's it's it's the good stuff.

And and then they act like them and you're like, "Oh no." But um that's where we have a lot of our joy is is spending time with them. You are breaking the mold that you put yourself in. Yeah, I am. Um I think um this is a growth season for me.

Uh that's why I was so excited when y'all started the the SA is I want to go deeper, you know? I want to be someone that that uh other people see and they're like, she's a really seasoned Christian. Yeah, we do. We do. See that? I feel like that. Yeah.

Uh I tell you, um I used to thank uh Wanda and and the other ladies at that prayer peeps uh group. I used to thank them so much for everything they did. I mean, they loved on me so hard, y'all.

And they were like, "It's okay." And now that I have mentored, not in the same way, but people come up, they ask for prayer, people have re people are always reaching out to Chad.

Um, people give uh Chad's name out because if it's someone that comes through next steps struggling with addiction, he's a great success story, right? Yeah.

Um, well, I'm trying to to talk to the female, you know, I'm trying to talk to the wife of this is why he needs to go in to a treatment program and he's got to he's got to have some Jesus. Yeah.

You know, so the full circlleness of that, you know, the full circleness of picking someone up and taking them because they don't have a ride. Man, it's beautiful. And you don't mind a bit. You love to do it. You're like, "Yes, they want God. They're chasing after Jesus.

Full Circle

Of course, I'll come pick you up." Yeah. Um praying for people. Uh Chad likes to get on Facebook and make posts about Alex and I are gonna be praying tonight at 7:30. And I cannot tell you how uncomfortable I was the first time he said that.

So that bothers you more than the dancing. Yes. Yes. Um, I I still occasionally I don't anymore, but at first I was like, people are going to be going, who does she think she is praying for me? I know things that nobody else knows.

You know, and and there are still people that are waiting for Chad to fail. There are, you know, we we get loved on a lot and and we know that some of the love is not genuine, and that's okay. It's okay. We pray for him. Yeah, our prayer life is my favorite thing.

Um I was very nervous about being here today. I was scared I was going to be all over the place. Knew I would cry. We have prayed um we prayed at 4:30. We prayed when he left for work. He called me um as he was going over the bridge to work and then right before I got here.

That's what four, five times this morning.

And you know that doesn't that's a that's a intimate thing very very um who wouldn't want that from you if they knew what you've I'm not saying every detail of what you've gone through but the people that go low when they meet Jesus and they're at a spiritual high who wouldn't want someone that is there to you know to pray over your needs.

Yeah. That's why I I totally understand the equally yolked thing now. uh for me to have someone that would be pulling me down or vice versa would be terrible for for either of us. And um it's just a story of of restoration that I could not have written um as beautiful.

And God has been so good. He has been so faithful. He has restored so much. I've watched Chad um have his relationship with both of his kids restored and he's like, you know, he doesn't he's like, I I hope you're not feeling some kind of way. And I was like, are you kidding me?

You're part of me. I'm so happy for you and I love this for you. And and God is is working in mine. And and there are some things that are happening that um you know, you look for confirmation for for how he's working. And if if you look for it, you'll find it.

You'll find it every time. You brought your Bible. Did you have any scripture that you wanted to share with us that's meaningful to you? Two of my favorite verses. One is Joel 2:25.

Scripture That Carries Her

The Lord says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locust, the stripping locust, and the cutting locust." it was I who sent this great destroying army against you. So that's I just go to that all the time because he is restoring. He has restored things.

I have been praying for restoration with my daughter for almost 10 years and obviously he hasn't answered that prayer but there is a reason behind it. She was still a kid.

Um, yeah, there's things that she can't wrap her head around and and I just have to remember that just because um, and she's been told things that probably aren't true. So, I know that he's working on that.

And then, um, you know how you'll you'll pray the same prayer over and over again? Yeah. And then you're like, God. But Jeremiah 32:27 is I the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world, is anything too hard for me? And that just gives me hope.

That gives me um Say the big prayers. Yeah. Uh there's no prayer that's too big. If you think it is, you're really you're you're you're in sin, a pride uh sin because you're our God is able. Y'all know this.

I want to ask if there is anyone that is listening to this that is in a similar situation that sees theirel in your story whether it's addiction or a toxic marriage or whatever like what would you say to them going through that season? Reach out to someone and be honest.

What She'd Say to You

Be honest about what you're going through there. Um, for years, four years I didn't want to tell people that I didn't have custody of my daughter. That that I was a failure as a mother, you know. Um, I did not want to share that with anyone.

I was going to keep that as quiet as I could. Um but when I started sharing I realized there there actually is a lot going on nowadays with um child estrangement. It's it's there's a little bit of a trend and social media um promotes it really.

Um if you're boundaries is what they say. Um if they're not respecting your boundaries, cut them off. And I just think that is the worst thing. Um, parents, some parents don't even know why.

I can't say that I completely know the wise, you know, but I would just say reach out to someone that you trust. Be honest. Um, no, you don't have to live in addiction. Please don't live in addiction.

Thank God when I got out of buying pills from friends and on the streets, that's when fentanyl was first coming out. But now you're getting fake everything. You're getting fentanyl.

You're getting um And it was just I think it was because sister had had the addiction to heroin that I was like, "Oh, I'll never do that." Yeah. I mean, a lot of people are oding now because they are laced with cadetine, fentanyl, whatever. And scary a bunch of different drugs.

It can be a pain med. It can be weed. It can be whatever. But you you don't know. These are not the cream of the crop that you're getting this stuff. No.

And I think what is so important is for people that even aren't addicts, if they know someone that's struggling to know the benefits of Narcan and things like that, signs. Um, you know, I just think that's really important because you don't if someone seizes, what do you do?

I I just feel like there needs to be more information on that, especially in a time like this where drugs are I mean a lot of people are people are doing weed in places that they don't need to be doing weed and just growing up like partying and college you just it would be great to be informed of that.

Yeah. Educate yourself. Yeah. And especially with addiction rehab centers, not you don't have to volunteer at one, but if you were to just understand a little bit more of the position that they're in, you'll have a heart for them that is different than you've ever experienced.

And I think that that is necessary. I do. For sure. And I do believe the general public, not all the way across, but they're less judgmental about addiction than they have been in the past. Yeah.

Um, you know, there's still people that don't completely understand it, but there's people that that do. And and the way that I got addicted to pain pills, that's a very common story. It's usually a surgery. Yep. It's usually prescribed. Mhm. Yep.

I just want to say thank you so much for for trusting us with the story. It was it was great. I mean, I I really think somebody's definitely going to see themselves in this story. And we know that sharing something this personal isn't easy. But God wastes nothing.

He uses every single thing. So if you're listening today and you see yourself in Alex's story, we want you to know this. Your story is not over. Addiction doesn't have the final word. Shame doesn't have the final word. Jesus does. There is hope. There is freedom.

And there are people who want to walk alongside you. If today's conversation encouraged you, we would love for you to share this with someone who needs it. And as always, remember, your past may be part of your story, but it does not define you.

God still makes beauty from burnt toast. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys. Dear heavenly father, I thank you for today. I thank you for the opportunity for Alex to share her testimony on our podcast today.

Lord, I pray that anyone that has any connection to her story, feels any type of Holy Spirit conviction or feels like God's comforting them in this moment. Lord, I pray that you're able to just put your hand on them and make them feel loved. Lord, make them feel worthy and known.

uh whatever light that they're in, even if it's in their darkest places or their brightest moments, Lord, I just pray that you're with them.

Um I pray for everyone that's listening to this podcast that they're able to have a good rest of their week and able to just be present with their friends, their family, and with themselves, and also their relationship with you. We thank you. We love you in Jesus' name. Amen.

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