When Loving People Gets Complicated

Jade and Courtney talk honestly about what it looks like to love people when relationships get messy — the difference between peacemaking and just keeping the peace, how to forgive someone who never apologizes, and when loving someone means creating distance instead of demanding closure. Using the story of Abram and Lot in Genesis 13, they walk through boundaries, reconciliation, and trusting God with the relationships that never get a neat ending.

Welcome back to another episode of the beauty in burnt toast. Today we're talking when loving people gets complicated. And doesn't it always? Jesus gives us what sounds like a simple command. Love God and love people. Then people start peopleling.

Matthew 22:37-39 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind." And that is the greatest commandment. The second is love your neighbor as yourself. We can love Jesus deeply and still struggle with people.

And I think sometimes as Christians, we think if we can't get past something that makes us a little bit lesser. I know that's something I've struggled with. And it's really hard because we do want to love everyone.

But I know for me like it's hard to put on a erect face sometimes. Yeah. Cuz I just can't I don't know. I can't fake it. Everybody says I can you can fake it till you make it. I can't fake it till I make it. No.

Um loving someone doesn't mean we're never hurt, angry, disappointed, or frustrated by them. So, can you genuinely love someone and still not enjoy being around them? Absolutely.

Love Doesn't Always Mean Liking Someone

I have the saying, "I love you, but I don't like you right now." And I think that goes for relationships like with your partner, your family, your friends. If you just are on that level with them, I think just emotionally, they're going to upset you from time to time.

So, I think it's really important, you know, we don't have to like somebody in the moment. We don't have to like their actions, but deep down, you love the person for who they are or their heart or their mind.

So, that's kind of my saying is I'll be like, I don't like you right now, but I do love you. Um, well, and there are people you love, but you have to keep them kind of at arms length to protect yourself. And sometimes people can just be draining as well.

So, you know, you bring them in once in a while, show them a little bit of love, and then it's which I know that sounds awful, but that's what boundaries is really for. Yes.

I know we had discussed that in the previous episode with Alex just talking about how it's kind of like a social media trend right now, boundaries. Yeah. But it's the definition of boundaries that I think there is some confusion on.

It's not just pushing your parents away because they want to tell you what to do. Yeah. It's creating those boundaries to protect yourself and your family, but you still have to love that person. So, it's not it's not putting off hate. It's not completely cutting somebody off.

It's just kind of adding that little layer. And you have to have communication, right? So, that's the thing with her is she's not getting any communication. Like, she's not even getting the chance to show her daughter that she's changed.

And that's the part that's not okay about it, right? Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I think it's it's kind of visually how can somebody either fill your cup or drain it. And I think that's really important is you can love somebody but they are someone that drains your cup.

So you have to be very uh precise about when you initiate or just like hang out with them.

Um, and that's kind of something I go through mentally on a day-to-day is like, okay, uh, how can I pour out to somebody else and how can someone fill my cup, make sure my cup's not drained from somebody else because I can love people, um, just as they love me.

And we sometimes have our days where we just need to vent to somebody and, you know, we need to just put our walls down and sometimes I can take that on, but sometimes I can't. And so that's where I think boundaries also come into play.

But I think it's how can I love someone and be cautious of how I my cup is filled. So don't be a cup drainer. Be self-aware. I think you can disagree with someone and still love them. Absolutely. I I feel in our faith that's something that we should do.

Loving People You Disagree With

I don't feel like walking with Jesus, you have to be a certain at a certain political stand, a certain um I don't know, another opinion that you have that someone else might not have. You know, how do you raise kids? Well, I don't agree with that. Okay.

Well, we still follow the same God. Yeah. Um I think a lot of Christians will pick and prod at people and say, "Well, this is what scripture says specifically out of context, and this is how you need to apply it to your life." No. Yeah.

You know, I think that there's many different ways to be a biblical follower and not agree with somebody and continue to have a relationship or a friendship um that is in support of each other. I don't think we have to agree on every single thing.

Uh cuz you're not going to that would be a very honestly if everyone believed everything similar it would be a very sad life because there is no creativity of anything new.

So, I think the most important thing in today's world is knowing as a Christian when to speak and be bold and when to keep your mouth shut, right? Yeah. It's a really hard place to be in right now.

And I know we had had that discussion on the episode with Sean just talking her about her coming out of the LGBTQ community and just explaining that like we are called to love everyone. Yeah. And I feel like mostly I love everyone.

You know, we you'll see podcasts and stuff talking about people being in witchcraft or Satan worshipper or whatever. Like you can love those people and not condone what they're doing, right? And that's what is going to bring people to the Lord.

Like I watched a podcast with this guy. I think he was one of the top people in the satanic temple and he came out of that and he spoke about how his encounter with one woman and how she treated him changed the way he thought about Christians. And to me, that's amazing.

Like, that's what we want. But society right now gets it wrong, right? Gets it completely wrong. It's just they put this label on if you're a Christian, you're just automatically hateful, right?

And that doesn't make any sense because if you know people who are truly walking with the Lord, you're going to see that. You're going to see that light. Yeah. I think churches share the message of love everybody but don't really explain how.

They'll say, you know, if there is a person that has a different sexuality preference or a history with um some form of abuse, drugs, whatever. Um love them. But it's okay. Well, how how can you meet them where they're at instead of them coming to you?

And I think that that's something that it's like really hard to express is even if we're in a different um path of life to walk with Jesus or to share the message, you don't have to come to me. I should be coming to you because you don't know anything about this.

So why would you step foot if you don't know him? Why would you come to me? And so I think it's really important to go to them. And it's not meeting them where they're at in a sense of you go to them and then be like, "This is what I believe." It's okay.

You have to understand why they're there. Get to know them. Whether it is witchcraft, you don't have to practice, but go there and be like, why do you believe this? Why is this your um choice of power, you know, what does this do for you?

And then from there, you can have an actual connection and conversation of, well, this is what I believe and it's not so shove it down your throat. Yes.

Um, and so I think that that's really important whether it is kind of like what you were saying witchcraft or it's just look, I only like women or I only like, you know, I'm gay or whatever the case may be. It's okay. Why why do you feel that way?

And it has to not be judgmental because for me, I don't care where you're at. I will love you because Jesus did the same thing. Jesus sat with prostitutes. He made sure to go to the people that were outcasts.

And so I think we need to have this lens be changed on the Christian view that if you see someone that looks different or is practicing something or is active in something that you don't personally believe, you still need to go to them. You still need to love them.

And you can't force it down their throat, but you can share your side once you understand why they they're there. So you start with the person.

You know, if you look back, the Pharisees, the people who knew the Bible the most were the ones that did not recognize Jesus and were against him. Right. And I think people really need to sit with themselves and think about that.

Think about the fact like what you said, the woman at the well, like all of these people that Jesus spent time with like Yeah. He picked these people for a reason and they were the ones that were the most eager to be with him, right? Yep. So, start with the person.

We say this all the time. Get to know them. Hear their story. Show them love. and that might spark something in them to bring them to Jesus. So really, I guess you're just starting with yourself, right?

And the closer you get to the Lord, I think the easier it becomes to do these things. But we have got to stop looking down our nose at people because how easy would it be for you to be that person, right? You can't judge other people when you have a plank in your own eye.

Scripture talks about that. And I think that's really important because I think there's this idea that to be able to show love to other people, we have to clean ourselves up and look a certain way because we're Christians. No. No.

We actually struggle as much as other people do that aren't in faith. Uh we just struggle in different ways.

So I don't think you have to clean up your act or pretend like you don't sin or pretend like you're holier than that to go to somebody that's struggling in a different way and be like, you know, this is the reason that Jesus is the answer.

Access Isn't Automatic

It's like, "No, I'm struggling, but here's here's who I have to rely on." Um, so does loving someone mean they automatically have access to every part of your life? No. I think we've talked about this before.

You know, you have your your people and then you kind of have like the outer rims like you've you've talked about. Yes. Yes. You just don't load on everyone. That is not a safe thing to do. You need to spend time with people. You need to get to know them.

Like like we said, you're called to love everyone, but you're not going to give everyone access.

Like even when it comes to I know this might be a silly way to compare it but social media like somebody was asking me the other day like I have a business page for my real estate and then I have my personal page right some people put everything together right but I don't think that everyone needs 100% access to my personal life.

Yeah. No. Um I agree. I think there are there's reasons people need to be personal with you. Uh but I I think mixing it can be dangerous. For me, I'm on Tik Tok, I'm public, and I do mix both. But I make sure that my what I post is appropriate for everyone to see.

And if there is something I wanted to do that's personal, then I probably wouldn't post it. But that's just me. And then for my Instagram, that's my personal stuff. but it's still public because I still want people to see personal life.

I just don't post stuff that is as intimate anymore as as as personal uh regarding family and stuff. Uh I used to, but since I started to know, okay, I want my stuff to be public to people that I don't know.

That's, you know, I had to change my outlook on what I'm posting and publishing. But well, it's mainly for my kids, right? No. And that's a Is it a different That is a different one. Uh yeah, because that can go down a very creepy path fast. Yes. No.

And I even I have one video um I think out there that's public that has my kids in it and like I even question that. I don't know. That's a very fine line. We are just in a world where it's hard. You have to be very careful with posting small kids.

Forgiveness Without an Apology

And if you're weird or saying weird stuff, I'm blocking you, right? Sorry in advance, but you're you're just getting blocked. Like I don't I don't I'm not sorry that go away. I'm reporting you. Forgiveness is something I can choose before God.

Reconciliation requires participation from both people. Trust can be broken and may need to be rebuilt over time. Access isn't automatically restored because forgiveness occurred. That is a lot to unpack. Sit with. Yes.

Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance just as the Lord forgave you." So, can you forgive someone who never apologizes? That's really hard. And I've been thinking about that a good bit. Yeah.

because I have had circumstances where the Lord has called me to apologize for things that, you know, I didn't necessarily think that I did something wrong. But I think in some circumstances, he you have to die to your flesh, right?

And he needs to see you eat that pride and do something hard. Mhm. Because that's a really hard thing to do. Yeah, it is. Especially when you're not getting anything back. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how many people can say I mean nothing I I think it becomes easier.

Like I said, the closer you are to the Lord, it's a lot easier to stomach. Sure. You can forgive. You can forgive anyone with the mindset too. Uh you have a choice. So, of course, it's either yes, you can or no, you can't.

I do believe you can forgive someone who never apologizes. That doesn't necessarily mean that what they're doing is okay because we're called to repent.

We're called to, you know, if someone makes a decision and it is a negative choice or it is something that um doesn't align scripture wise, we go to them. We continue to go to them.

if it doesn't work, you go to the church and kind of, you know, and I think that that kind of goes for people that don't apologize, that don't repent over the things that they've done.

Um, that don't necessarily see what they're doing is you go to them in a way of, hey, I love you. And it's kind of like what we're talking about. I love you, but it's getting complicated. It's you're I there's some stuff there that I'm concerned about, and I'm coming to you.

And if they aren't able to, they don't care or they don't want to see it or whatever the case may be, they don't want to forgive or apologize or whatnot, that's where you go to God. You go to the church. So that means you go for prayer. You go for insight.

Um you you go to him to understand how to forgive them when they're unrepentant. So I do think you absolutely can. Doesn't mean it's not going to be an easy, oh yeah, like I'll forgive them. It's going to hurt cuz you are denying yourself.

Uh but you need that relationship with God so he can guide you through. Look, they're struggling. But you don't have to be on the same path of okay, now they're not they're not apologizing.

You don't have to, you know, you don't need to be hardened like your heart hardened for that. I mean, you just have to be obedient to the Lord. Yeah. Like you might be convicted about it and they might not be convicted about it and that's okay.

Sometimes it's just worth it to salvage the relationship. But communication is just the number one thing. Like like you said, we are called to go to our brothers and sisters and handle things oneon-one, right? And that is so important. So many people do not do that.

They are disgruntled and they are upset and they just wallow in that waller. I don't know whatever it is. Yeah. They just like to sit in that mess and that eats you up from the inside. So, you want to have that communication if you can. For me, like I would appreciate that.

I want that. Like if you have an issue, come to me. Let's sit down. Let's talk about it. I'm a big girl. I can handle hard things. If you can't handle that, I don't know.

You need to pray that the Lord works on you and makes it easier to handle because if someone is willing to come to you and have those hard conversations, I think that's real love.

There's a time and place where there can be circumstances where you don't need to have a conversation. You need to walk away. Uh especially if it comes to like a danger to yourself uh relationally.

If there is a reason to that there's an issue with a lack of apologizing or something that is harmful. I think it is sometimes safe to not converse and to just go.

But when it comes to someone you're in a relationship with and it's healthy to an extent where it's not uh a danger to yourself, your body, your living situation, whatever the case may be, um I think just focusing on yourself, uh you know, instead of a why can't they just apologize?

Why can't they just do this? And that that can be very hard not to get in that pathway. But focus on apologizing, you know, focus on look and it can be your relationship with God. I'm sorry that I got so mad over this situation. Lord, help me.

Help me to understand what I need to do with them. Help me to still have the attitude that I need to over this situation.

Because for me, if someone is not willing to apologize over something, I'm very naturally easy to hold a grudge and be like, "Well, I'm going to keep my walls up. You don't I don't need to have a relationship with you." yada yada yada. Like, you know what? You figure that out.

But in reality, it's like, no. Uh, you need to also figure out what God's telling you in this circumstance, too. Okay. I didn't expect to go down this road, but I'm feeling the need to go down this road, so I'm just going to hit it.

When Someone Wants Forgiveness But Won't Change

So, what happens when someone wants forgiveness but doesn't change their behavior? All right. So, maybe I watched this for a reason last night. On Netflix, there's a new documentary called The Preachers's Wife. Okay.

I just feel like this fits this so perfectly because this woman, she was in the word. She loved God from what I could tell. And she was trying to do everything biblically, you know, she was trying to submit to her husband. She was trying to love her husband, right?

But this man continued to show her over and over and over again who he was. So if someone keeps showing you the same behavior, that is not okay.

Like even if you love the Lord, he does not want you in a situation like that, you give somebody a chance and if they don't change and it is a toxic situation, you need to walk away. Period. End of story. If you watch that documentary, you'll see what ended up happening to her.

And it is so sad because she had so many chances like cries for help. like she tried to get help and it just I don't know. I just hate that she ended up in the situation she did. Right. Right.

There's I watch a lot of um like crime videos on YouTube of like actual events or um interrogation videos or things like that.

uh sometimes just just to see what kind of evil look lurks the earth like what can man do when there is an undiagnosis or an issue where you don't leave um and I think a lot of times you know it can either be called intuition or the Holy Spirit but I do think that there becomes a moment where you know you need to leave a situation because someone whether you forgive them or not like it is it is unhealthy it is unsafe and so unfortunately what I do see in a lot of these videos that I watch is there's not really that moment there's not a moment where your intuition kicks in or your the Holy Spirit it's because that you know it's going well and then something happens that you're not expecting but I think one thing that's hard that I've been watching is when when there is the passing of the person, their family, you know, going to uh the trial or whatnot, seeing how they forgive, like that is something I couldn't even fathom.

But seeing someone that isn't usually repentant for what they've done, um having a family that lost somebody that they love, being able to, you know, say, "I forgive you." like that's you don't have to do that but there's something within them that had to work on that without talking to that person.

So that I know that's a very extreme. We still have a duty to forgive. We still have a duty to see them as a child of God.

no matter how heinous the crime um you know they still have a soul and it can be hard to see but even if they are in a way of life that you couldn't even imagine that they could be touched by Jesus or it's too late just being able to see that there was a soul um that had that opportunity I mean I think that there's a lot of people that do very bad stuff and in jail they grow their relationship with God like people I think reconciliation right is the word I was looking for like you can get out of a situation forgive and not have reconciliation because I mean this guy was doing heinous things and then getting on the pull pit and preaching every Sunday to me that's just demonic like I don't know who is able to do something like that yeah I mean I think that there's there are things, you know, we still need to love people no matter what.

But spiritual warfare can also be a part of this. There can be demonic things where it's people will not uh apologize or anything like that because they have a spirit on them. But I do think we're called to be a witness to love.

Uh I mean, we have the commandment, love thy neighbor uh as thyself. And I think that that goes for even when we do really bad things or we flaw, we sin. Uh we have done really bad things in the past. Um we still need to love people that are actively in that.

Uh and that looks different. That doesn't mean we hang out with them all the time and we talk to them 24/7. That can be at a distance, but we still love them because they can be Jesus's. They can be gods. They are. They were created with that intent.

But there is sin on this world. And so I think loving someone um I mean is tough love, right? It's not enabling them too. I mean loving someone can be leaving them in prison instead of bailing them out because they've made bad choices.

Because what is it going to do for them to keep getting out and going into the same habits over and over and over again where they could sit in there and realize their ways and learn something from that. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

I mean, I just I feel like I see that over and over and over again. Like these kids get put in prison and their parents bail them out and it's just over and over and over and over and over again. And and what is that like?

I don't True love is tough love and being able to make those hard decisions sometimes. Yeah.

Um I think something that is very common kind of like what you're saying is people can brush it off uh or like try and reconcile really fast just because they don't want to continue a pattern when in reality it usually uh boosts the pattern.

But I think a lot of people say, you know, everything's fine. I don't want to upset anybody. I'll just apologize so this goes away or I'll keep quiet. And I think trying to always I'm someone that is very conflict resolution.

I got that from my mom because she was she still is a woman that will say it as it is and sometimes it can be a lot but I would prefer more of a very raw direct statement than someone that's like I'm fine. Yes.

Peacemaking vs. Keeping the Peace

And there's so much going on underneath which actually grows resentment and can start a root. So I think peacemaking can be uh healthy and very toxic. So um when there is a problem, we need to address it in a way that honors God and each other.

And I do think that is where boundaries come into play. Um so let's let's go into this. So the story of Abram and Lot in Genesis, Abram and Lot had both prospered so much that the land couldn't support them together. Conflict developed between their herdsmen.

Abram doesn't pretend the conflict isn't happening. He addresses it. Let there be no strife between you and me, for we are kinsmen. Genesis 13:8. God promise God's promise had been given to Abram. Yet Abram allows Lot to choose which direction he wants first.

Lot chooses the fertile Jordan Valley. Abram takes the other direction. Abram doesn't need Lot to admit fault before pursuing peace. He doesn't pretend there isn't a problem or insist upon getting the better outcome. Instead, he changes the circumstances creating the conflict.

And I think that is like what we talked about earlier. It just swallowing your pride, right? Nine times out of 10, that's what the Lord wants you to do. He just wants you to humble yourself. And that's not easy. No.

taking less for yourself in this story and giving somebody the first pick when they don't even necessarily appreciate it. That's hard. Matthew 5:9 said, "Blessed are the peacemakers." So, are we avoiding conflict or actually creating peace?

I think a lot of times people are avoiding conflict uh when they just say it's fine and they don't go in depth. One thing I've learned is that if you're not ready to talk about something, just say that. Yeah. Don't just say, "I'm fine." Yeah. Or it's it's all good. It's Yeah.

It's I'm fine. No. I think being able to say, "Hey, I'm not ready to talk about this just yet. I need some time." Yeah. I am not okay but I'm not ready to talk about it. Please be praying for me. Communication. Yes, I think that's good enough. We can't say that enough.

Communication. Communication. Communication. But I think also discernment. You know when a conversation is going to make something better, right? And when it's not. Sometimes you just have to give it to the Lord before you have a conversation with somebody or before you speak.

Something that my therapist has been telling me for years. Think about before you say what you're going to say. How do you want the conversation to end? Do you want it to just be your way done? Do you want it to just finish how it is and just get it done as fast as you want?

Or do you want it to actually be beneficial? Yeah. Do you want to hear that person or do you not? Because from there, that's how you create peace.

Peace is not going into a conversation saying, "I'm not okay, but let's talk about it right now because I don't want to talk about it later." Sometimes we do need to hold off until we're ready to create peace. Um, my upbringing, I wasn't taught healthy communication.

So, I didn't really necessarily care if peace was made. It was that my what I said was set. Last words, right? So creating peace for me means slowing down and taking time. And those two things are very hard for me.

I just think a lot of times we have the need to fill the gap and fill the silence. And one of the biggest things I have learned in the past few years is you don't always have to talk.

If it's welling up inside you and you feel like you're about to burst, sometimes it's best just to choke it down and keep your mouth shut. And that's okay, right? Even if it makes the other person feel uncomfortable, it might just be healthier for you not to talk.

And sometimes that can make a bigger impact on somebody than words can, right? Making time so that your what you say, your words that you choose to say are beneficial rather than just spewing a lot. So, is my motivation fear or love? I think that question is huge?

And I think you need to ask that question before you go into a conversation with somebody because if it's fear, now's not the time. When it becomes love, that's the time, right? And I think I've had conversations that because I loved that person, I was real and direct with them.

And it did go sideways a little bit just because they weren't understanding where I was coming from. And I got a little hotheaded, but I still was trying to express, look, we might not see eye to eye, but I'm wanting you to know where I'm at.

I want to know where you're at, and I want to figure this out. And if it Yeah. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But trying to create peace. Hey, I'm still leaving that door open. If you ever want to talk, you know, let's take some time.

Things like that, I think is very beneficial. But when someone is not repentant, not apologetic, doesn't really care to, you know, work through stuff, I don't think that's your problem anymore. Yeah. So Abram's solution wasn't we're family, so we have to stay together.

They physically separated. In Genesis 14, Lot gets captured and Abram gathers his men, goes after him and rescues him. The distance hadn't removed the love. Abram creating distance without withdrawing his love.

Creating Distance Without Losing the Love

So, I think creating space can sometimes preserve a relationship or sometimes it can preserve sanity for everyone involved. Yep. Something that Josh and I do that really helps me is there will be times where I want to spend time with him.

you know, I want to be with him, you know, quality time. I'm over stimulated. I don't want to talk. I I don't I'm in a bad mood. I'll say, "Hey, I want to be with you, but I need some time. Just be with me. Be present, but give me some time." Sit. Right.

And I think that is how sometimes wants to talk to me. Hey, I want you here. I need you to just stay with me, but just let the quiet happen. Yeah. Uh because you're overstimulated. I think that's what God says to me sometimes is, "Hey, you're going 20,000 miles an hour.

Be with me. Be present, but just give yourself a second to breathe." Say, "A lot, right?" And that's something that I I get over stimulated easily. If I hear too many noises, I'm like mad. Um, so for me, the first thing that he's going to have to know is my communication to him.

Hey, this is how I'm feeling. And he'll either be like, okay, like let's take some time. But he can't he doesn't just expect like he doesn't know. Yeah. So, communication does help with creating space and peace at the same time, I would say.

And sometimes there is love in the silence, right? I think but side note I think that's a perfect segue. So just so you know we have created a group called SA. It's just for women. Get to know each other get to talk about problems what you're going through.

We also have started a quarterly dinner if you don't know about it. But if you are interested in participating, please join our group on Facebook. Um, I think it's going to be great. But it is just a time to be with other women, connect, pause, be with the Lord, and worship him.

Yep. So, that's my quick plug. Sorry. Back to your normally scheduled program. I love this question. Can you genuinely love someone you no longer have a close relationship with? I lost a really close friend.

Loving Someone You're No Longer Close To

Uh we just disconnected, you know, we didn't we just went down different paths. Um I still have all the love for her. I hope the best for her. I still pray over her. I think about her often. Um but I think God put us at a time in our life to not be together anymore.

And I don't know if we're ever going to reconnect. Sometimes he does rekindle those relationships and Yeah. Uh, I'm not expecting it, but I'm also I still have a love for her that will never go away because we've been we went through so much life together.

So, you know, I I definitely think you can genuinely love someone and not be close anymore. Um, there's people that I mean, when I was immature in high school and middle school, like we probably weren't friends anymore because of some stupid reason or some drama.

Still care about them. Um, I genuinely have appreciation and love for people that I don't talk to anymore. Um, even the people that did me real dirty. Um, now that I'm in my faith and see how much I've done to other people and had to ask God for forgiveness.

I am working or have worked on my forgiveness with them. And I'd be like, look, they did me so dirty. Never would probably have them back in my life just due to boundaries. But I do pray over them still. I have a love for them cuz Jesus does. So I definitely think you can.

Yeah, I totally agree. How do we distinguish healthy space from using distance to punish someone? So that is a hard one because you think about withholding. A lot of times you're withholding communication or you're withholding grandchildren or or whatever.

Um, and I don't know that that's healthy. But I think sometimes people do that because maybe they just don't know anything else to do. But I think again that's when you need to swallow your pride and have that communication, right?

instead of just doing it in the person not knowing what's going on. You know, if there's like a mom out there that gets really hurt by her family, let's say, um, and she has communicated it multiple times and they're still not willing.

I think putting up a boundary of, hey, you're not going to continue to see your grandkids. I think at that point it's it's understandable. Um, and to each their own. You know, everyone goes through different things.

So, there's different boundaries that, you know, people will pull that card out in different times. But I think before you pull that card, I agree, you need to communicate.

You can't just unless it's again, unless it's something that is a physical um danger to you or your family, but unless it's there, unless it's something that's severe where you just are like, I'm going to block. Like, I can't communicate anymore. or it is a h it is a hazard.

Um if it's not that instance then I would say try and communicate before you just pull the plug on something that serious. Yeah, just do it with wisdom.

When There's No Closure

I mean go to your word, consult the Lord, pray over it before you make any rash decisions because that can be those can be very hurtful situations. Um, I want to jump ahead to this verse because I just I love this verse.

Sometimes relationships end or change without the conversation we had hoped for. You may never receive the apology, explanation, acknowledgement, opportunity to tell your side or the neat ending.

Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. if it is possible. It's not always possible. And I think that's huge.

I mean, that's that's the Lord telling us, as long as you're doing what you're supposed to do, then you're good, right? Handling it in a godly manner. You cannot control the other person. You have no control over their heart, their mind.

Sometimes nothing you do is gonna change anything. And you just have to step away and know that you tried your best. Yeah. So, every relationship doesn't have a final conversation. And I think those are probably the hardest ones because as humans, we all seek closure, I think.

And that's when, like we talked about, you just have to give it to God. And that is so hard. But you just need to follow him. You need to follow his voice, how he's leading you. If you need to go down in prayer, if you need to lay it at his feet, you need to do that, right?

And once you do that, you have to take your thoughts captive, right? And shut them bad boys down because they might amplify actually after you do that. But just nope. Nope. Not doing it. I'm turning it off. Yeah, they'll come back. they'll come back.

You got to just like attack it when you can't. Yeah, you do. Yeah. You just have to be aware of what's going on upstairs. What if the other person doesn't want resolution? Pray about it. Pray for them. Yes. Yes.

Definitely pray for them because even if you want it doesn't mean that it's it it's in God's will. So I just Lord, I pray that your will be done. When things are out of your control, pray for them. If they have a hardened heart, pray for their heart to be softened.

Pray for just God's will to be done in that situation. Um, sometimes we think we need closure from another person when what we actually need is healing from God.

Now, we're going to turn the mirror around because sometimes we're the complicated person and we go into that verse Matthew 7:3-5. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? I already touched on that.

Checking Your Own Part

I know you didn't. You were getting ahead of me. I was. I think this right here is why communication is so important because some of us are so unaware of our surroundings. How do we necessarily know that we're acting a certain way if our brothers and sisters don't tell us? Right?

Some people just don't. They don't see it and they're not going to see it. Yep.

So, this expecting people to know they've heard us without telling them, I think that applies in very much a marriage aspect because ladies, how many times I'm self-aware of this, how many times do we just think that our husbands should know that they should be able to read our minds?

Because I've done it. I mean, you're in the kitchen like grumbling, slinging pots and pans and just he should expect that something's wrong, that he did something wrong. He should know. But guys are not that aware most of the time.

I think the first word you said was the biggest is expecting. Yes, we expect them to understand what it's like to be in a feminine mindset like a woman. Rosecolored versus blue colored glasses, right? Mhm.

I really think that we need to stop this expectancy or this, you know, they should do this. They, you know, as as you should. Like there's this whole thing on TikTok where it's like as he should like he should be doing that. It's like no, no, stop raising the expectancy.

Communicate what you want and communicate how you feel. Expecting grace with while withholding it from others. O, how many times do we do that? Often. Yeah, she apologize to me while I'm over here mad at her. I don't have anything to say to that.

That's just That's just what it is. Yes, that's one of those things where we need to sit with ourselves and look ourselves in the mirror. I like this question. Have I decided someone is the villain in my story without ever asking God to show me my part in it?

Uh we just we are we just just sit with the plank in your eye part of this. Yeah. Like what could I do differently? Don't I don't think you should ever look back and say should have, could have, would have. What can I do differently next time? Yes. Should I keep my mouth shut?

Should I swallow my pride and apologize?

Should I not apologize because that might um reinforce bad behavior because I think that's something also yeah to think about like does me apologizing to this person am I doing this just to get it over with and move past this or am I truly doing it because I love them. Right?

And should I apologize because they need to know that this behavior is wrong? You have to use discernment and all of that and ask the Lord. And if the Lord's not giving you an answer, then you probably don't even need to move. You don't need to move in the situation. Yeah.

Not every difficult relationship needs to end. Sometimes relationships are difficult because relationships are difficult. Conflict doesn't automatically equal toxicity. Ephesians 4 2-3. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Not Every Hard Relationship Needs to End

Healthy relationships still experience conflict. Hard conversations can create deeper intimacy. People deserve opportunities to apologize and grow. One bad moment isn't necessarily a pattern, but if we recognize a pattern, we need to use wisdom in that situation.

We need humility to recognize when we've contributed to the problem. Some relationships are worth fighting hard to restore.

If you have tried to help someone and they are not willing to take credit where credit is due and help themselves, then there's really not anything you can do except for pray for that person. Yep. Because you can wear yourself out trying to save someone while you're drowning.

And that's a hard lesson. Yeah. that I have learned over the past couple years because there is there has been people in my life that I wanted to see them come to the Lord so bad I probably injured relationships trying to help them.

I probably injured myself and it took way too long for me to see it with clear eyes. Yeah. But just because I step away does not mean that I don't love them, wish the best for them and still pray for them to meet the Lord. It's just you're giving it to God to handle.

Um, and I think a question that we need to reflect on is, can I trust God enough to leave a relationship unresolved? You know, we can say things like, God, you know my heart. You know their heart. You know everything I don't know with what's going on, but I'm going to trust you.

Anyways, with what happens from here? Yes. I don't think that's giving up on somebody. It's giving up the control of the outcome and that can be the hardest part. Yes. Yeah. Surrender is always hard. Letting go of control. Yeah. Is so hard.

So, I think we need to talk on what you can do. I can forgive without pretending it didn't happen. I can love without agreeing. I can extend grace without ignoring patterns. I can create distance without becoming bitter. I can pursue reconciliation without demanding it.

I can fight for a relationship when God asks me to. and I can release one when there's nothing left for me to do. Ultimately, there isn't one perfect rule for every complicated relationship. Sometimes love requires a difficult conversation. Sometimes it requires forgiveness.

Sometimes it requires surrendering your right to be right. Sometimes it requires a boundary. Sometimes it requires space. And sometimes it requires letting something remain unresolved and trusting God with the ending.

So is there a complicated relationship in your life right now where you've spent more time asking God to change the other person than you've spent asking him, "Jesus, show me how you want me to love them. So, I'll just let y'all sit on that one and we'll see you next time.

Closing Prayer

Bye, guys. Dear Lord, we thank you for giving us hope. We thank you for giving us joy. And we thank you for loving us. We thank you for teaching us how to love others and giving us wisdom to be able to love those that might not be the easiest to love.

So Lord, be with us this week as we walk through dealing with different people. Give everyone that's listening to this the wisdom to show love and compassion in the ways that you would, God. Just teach them how to be like you, how to walk like you, how to talk like you.

Be with those who are dealing with family situations, whether it's working on boundaries, deciding if they should have boundaries. Lord, just be with their families. Take hearts that have hardened and soften them. Lord, if reconciliation needs to be had, make it happen.

If forgiveness needs to be had, make it happen. Be with those who are struggling, who are in pain. Lord, thank you for just being you. Amen. Amen. Before you go, if this episode spoke to you in any way, would you do us a favor? Share it with a friend who might need it, too.

You never know who's walking through something quietly. And don't forget to follow, like, and subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next because we've got more real conversations, more honest moments, and probably a few more burnt toe stories along the way.

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We'll see you next time.